Oh for pete’s sake! As I round the corner into the TV room, Adam immediately launches into his defense. “I didn’t mean to!! I was just playing with the yo-yo and Cam walked into my way and it hit him but it wasn’t my fault…”

It struck me in that moment – why am I engaging in this conversation? There is a lack of empathy in this picture that bothers me, as Cam grasps his head and sobs. What do I do that makes Adam feel like he has to defend himself, feeling his “security” threatened enough (in Maslow’s terms) to ignore his hurt brother?

How often do I rush in, responding quickly with “what’s going on here?” or “who did this?” How often have I forced them to make their “case” to me, so that I can assess blame and assign appropriate punishment? Of course, I’ve never looked at it that way – I’ve just been doing my “appropriate” parenting duty, right? Teaching them the “right” way to act. Or so I’ve assumed…

But now, it’s looking differently to me…

The adult as the “investigator” (or as judge/jury) sends some unhelpful messages, doesn’t it? We do, indeed, teach them something, but is it what we WANT to teach our kids?

We teach them to immediately start formulating their case. We teach them to work harder to not get caught next time. Our displeasure with them motivates them to try to deflect blame or claim innocence. And we teach them that making mistakes is about the last thing you want to do, let alone admit to doing…

What I want to teach my children is that failure and mistakes are a necessary part of learning, change and growth. I want to teach my children to value themselves and each other, to care for each other, to admit when they’ve made a mistake and accept themselves as human, so that they can move forward without self judgment or fear.

Hmmm… Mismatch of what I want and what I am doing…

So flash back to that moment – little one crying, middle one justifying, oldest tattling…

I get down on one knee, make loving eye contact and say (in a quiet, calm voice) “Hold on Adam – I’m not blaming you. Let’s have a look at what needs to happen right now. Your brother is crying. What do you think you could do?”

“Oh! Oh yeah!” He stopped and looked at his little brother. Immediately, his whole demeanor changed. He rushed over to Cam, stroked his back, looked in his face and said “I’m so sorry Cam. I didn’t mean to hurt you! Is there anything I can do to help?”

Tears got wiped dry, hugs were exchanged, apologies accepted. The empathy and compassion were all there, once I shifted my attitude, took away the blame and shame, and created a safe space for them to care for one another!

And lightbulbs shine brightly over my head tonight!

What I learned was that I don’t need to “fix” them. I don’t need to “lecture” them. I don’t even need to “teach” them (in that moment).

I need to love them. I need to make sure they are feeling loved and safe. I need to plant seeds, ask questions and model authentic, compassionate behavior. And I need to be aware of the outcomes of my actions (not just my intentions).

After the upset passed, then I took the opportunity for shared learning. I asked them what we could learn from what happened. To recognize that we’re all human beings, that we all make mistakes and that we can all learn together – I didn’t focus on Adam and his actions. I focused on what we could ALL learn. And it took the embarrassment and fear out of failure – by making it a shared experience and discussion.

We talked not only about remembering not to swing things around that could hurt people. We also talked about how to support each other in remembering to act appropriately – in non-judgmental, supportive ways. We talked about making sure to FIRST look after anyone that’s been hurt – to act with care and compassion. And we talked about why we want to learn together instead of blame one person.

Most of all, I took the first step towards a family culture that makes it okay to fail without fear and to learn together with love!

I’ve always enjoyed sewing, although I seldom seem to have time for it. Which is how I ended up, at the bed & breakfast the day before the wedding, finishing off the sewing on our family’s costumes.

I was chatting with the mom next door as I finished the hem on my daughter’s princess dress, when she said “It would have been nice to have sewn our costumes, but I work, so I just didn’t have time. I bought our costumes instead.”

My first reaction was “Oh no – she thinks I’m just a mom”. That thought was quickly followed by the urge to set her straight and make sure she knew I had a career as well.

Fortunately, I caught myself.

I realized that I didn’t have to perpetuate the attitude that being a mom wasn’t important enough, or just wasn’t enough, period.

Being a mom is the thing that I am most proud of in my entire life. My kids are what get me out of bed in the morning – both literally and figuratively!

So now, when I meet new people and someone asks me what I do, the first thing out of my mouth is that I’m a mom. Usually followed by the pictures coming out of my wallet, and a little bragging about what wonderful, loving children they are. And all the while, I have that big, stupid grin on my face – the one I can’t wipe off because I’m talking about something I’m passionate about!

The world may tell us that parenting isn’t as important or valuable as working outside the home. Or that might be the story we tell ourselves. But we can choose to believe in ourselves instead.

Being a mom isn’t something to be ashamed of. It’s not something that we do in our “spare time”, while we’re not doing our “real” work. After all, there is nothing more important than loving and raising our children!

Therefore, I choose daily to appreciate myself, to value my role as a mother and to proudly stand to say “I am a Mom!”

And by honouring myself, maybe I begin to change attitudes so that all moms (at home or out of the home) know that they can value and appreciate themselves!

Want to see some pictures of my kids??  :-)

This is the third year I’ve attended NV. The first time, I had barely started blogging. It was still very much an experiment – I was talking out loud as I searched my soul and navel-gazed my way through over-thinking, self-doubt, “ah-ha” moments and many churning emotions. No one actually read my blog except for a few people “out there” – so it was a “safe” way to discuss what I normally kept hidden. I even considered NOT putting my blog URL on my registration. I attended most of the “101” sessions and ate lunch on my own – after all, I didn’t have a “network” yet!

The second time I attended NV was dramatically different. I had discovered Twitter about half way between those two events. Although I’d signed up for a Twitter account earlier, I didn’t “get it” the first time I tried it. (a common experience, I suspect!) But then Dave Truss talked to me about the learning and conversations he was getting from Twitter – I was intrigued… He also gave me some hints for getting a network started. Connected me with some people in the educational and edtech communities. As I jumped in, asking questions and participating in conversations, I was hooked! And at NV09, I had a different experience as a result. Now I knew some people – particularly @injenuity, who introduced me to others at the conference.

As a result, my second time at Northern Voice was much more about the people and the connections. Here was a group of people that were also passionate about more than just the technology – who were using blogs and twitter and social media to connect, to engage, to learn, to self reflect and ask for feedback. The conversations blew my mind – finally I had found a whole bunch of people (not just one at a time) with whom I could talk for hours and never stop learning! Even the idle chit chat had depth. At lunch, a conversation started about “imposter syndrome” – with such honesty, these amazing people talked about their fears. Wow! I’m not alone… The power of finding like-minded learners was intoxicating for me – and with chaos reigning supreme in my personal life, I stopped blogging and became obsessed with Twitter and the flow of conversations and connections that I lacked in my day to day reality.

Neither Twitter nor blogging are the “obsessions” that they once were for me – I’ve found that I use them as I need. They are only part of my toolkit now. Learning in my online spaces, where I felt safe to expose my thoughts and fears to this caring community, opened doors of possibility for my “real world” life. I’m figuring out how to trust myself and surround myself with trusted friends who are also striving for authenticity and joy. How amazing it has been to see how we lift each other up, inspiring each other to be our best selves, lending a hand when another “falls”. My mix of online/offline community is now a “place” where I am confident both supporting others AND being supported – often providing timely observations that allow me to grow and step out of old, well-worn patterns.

So this third Northern Voice Conference was a natural extension – an exciting time to reconnect with familiar friends, to meet some new and to match faces to Twitter IDs (like figuring out that @clintlalonde isn’t actually a 10yo with glasses anymore…) It was also a much larger group than it was last year – I believe the conference had twice the attendees as previous years.

So why was I surprised? It started in Chris Lott, Brian Lamb and Alan Levine’s session about whether #blogsaredead or #blogsarealive. As the discussion milled about, there was talk of monetization and commercialization of blogs and how that moved away from blog as art or self reflective practice. I commented that we didn’t have to follow any trends – that we could just continue to do what is “right”… And another person in the audience immediately responded, his exact words forgotten, but the jist of it was about how judgmental it is to assume what is “right”…

That started me thinking. What a valid point – I was, indeed, judging others who monetize their blogs as not being “true” to the “real” benefit of blogging. I was judging them by my values – not allowing that there are multiple reasons to blog, all just as valid as my own. Who was I to decide how a tool “should” be used or not?

With the growing use of social media, its uses are also expanding. Perhaps my discomfort with it becoming “mainstream” is really that it’s no longer within my “community” – and it’s no longer just being used in ways that align with my beliefs and values.

Oh, tolerance is easy to talk about, isn’t it? It’s much more challenging to actually “be” tolerant when someone with significantly different beliefs is challenging your view of the world.

Then came the discussion on Twitter last night about children at the conference, how much (or little) they disrupt things and people speaking up to point out that they have absolutely no desire to have children near them. It was hard for me at first to believe that a human being could actually feel that way! And yet, I quickly recognized that was silly of me – of course there are people with all sorts of perspectives and values! I can’t imagine feeling that way, but who am I to judge whether that is a valid experience for them or not?

It finally struck me that these thoughts and feelings are simply the symptoms of two different communities, with differing motivations/values, coming together in one space and time. I’m having a moment of “culture shock”…

In her discussion of culture shock, Janet M. Bennett compares culture shock to the tensions and anxieties we face whenever change threatens the stability of our lives. Her main argument is that culture shock is only a subcategory of transition shock.

She defines transition shock as: a state of loss and disorientation precipitated by a change in one’s familiar environment that requires adjustment.

Source Article

Hmmm… Requires adjustment…

This rings true to me right now. Northern Voice is in a state of transition right now – and rightly so! It has grown. The use of social media has expanded and matured. This is an opportunity for us to recognize the unique communities that come together around the table we call “social media” and practice tolerance for each other.

And that, in my opinion, must include respect for each others’ perspectives and needs. I want the child friendly aspects to continue – that parents can come, participate in the conference, and arrange for shared childcare when needed. I also want opportunities for adult learning and networking, without having to be conscious of whether conversation is child appropriate or not.

I’d like to see Northern Voice 2011 be conscious of how we provide both. Sessions can be defined, by the presenters, as child friendly or not – and advertise them that way. That way presenters know what to expect and attendees have the opportunity to select sessions that suit their preferences.

I also think it may be time for a “community social media” conference. Perhaps a spin-off of Northern Voice – built on many of the fantastic ideas and structures that make NV so unique! But I want to create something with a focus on families, co-learning, student involvement, teaching parents about social media, creative sessions, doing social good and building community! I wouldn’t want it to be INSTEAD of Northern Voice – but IN ADDITION to…

I’ve been chewing on this idea for a while now. Perhaps it’s time to just do it…

I’ve spent lots of time thinking about why I selected my ex as a life partner? Why I’ve always felt like I’ve “failed”? Why I struggled to trust myself and others? I’ve tried to understand what brought me to this point? Why do I judge myself so harshly? What things in my life “created” me as the person that I am and how do I raise my own children to NOT have the struggles that I’ve had? Or do deal with them better?

A newsletter from Buddhist writer Susan Piver struck me between the eyes last week. Although I’ve “known” these things before, I was ready for her words to resonate deeply within me…

Too often, you think that you’ve  ”brought this heartbreak on yourself by carrying forward unhealed wounds from childhood or, god forbid, by thinking the wrong thoughts. I kind of hate this. Of course it’s really, really important to heal your wounds and to examine your thoughts to see if they might be sabotaging you—but when the intention for doing so is to avoid pain rather than increase your capacity to love, it is unlikely to heal you. This kind of advice is often out to convince you that you can create a safe world for yourself and that you can make love safe.

Love can never be made safe. It is the opposite of safe. The moment you try to make it safe, it ceases to be love. I realize this is a bummer, but think about it. Love is predicated on receptivity, on opening up again and again and again to your beloved, each time afresh. To do this, you have to let go of insisting that he or she conform to your standards for what a lover should look like, do, be, say, and instead allow him or her to simply be him or herself. Then you take it from there. To do otherwise, to continually choose who you wish this person was over who he or she actually is, is, well, it’s not love. I don’t know what it is. (Of course none of this stands to reason should any form of emotional or physical abuse be present. At this point you can forget everything I just said and protect yourself.)

Most often, the efforts to heal a broken heart center around putting it behind you and recreating the illusion of safety. Buddhism counsels something else, something best said by the American Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron: “Feel the feelings. Drop the story.” That is the pith advice and it means turning toward what you feel, not away. It means letting the feelings be just what they are without trying to explain them, shore your self up, or excuse or blame anyone. This is called being a warrior. The more you allow feelings to burn clean in this way, the less confusion you create.”

Just reading “love isn’t supposed to be safe” struck me like a cattle prod. I’ve recently had people either compliment me on my persistent drive for authenticity or criticize me/wonder why I over think things or continually “push” myself further. Both perspectives didn’t sit right with me – I couldn’t quite figure out why until now. I keep pushing myself because I don’t want to be “safe” but unhappy. I choose to be “uncomfortable”, to venture into unknown territory, and to learn gradually how to be open and unstable, yet accepting of all that comes.

It’s a difficult path for me to walk. But I don’t want to choose differently either, in order to make it easier or “safe”…

The other part that I’ve been reflecting on and paying attention to is that I also have to remember to be clear about my expectations of those in my life – that we’re all striving towards the same things. Not that we’re always successful, since we’re human. But that we’re trying our best and continually come back to accepting each other and ourselves, without judgement. That we’re all listening and willing to adjust based on our mutual needs. That we’re honest and open, allowing others to disagree and seeking to understand.

As much as I’ve often focused on “what’s wrong with me” – I’m learning what it means to be authentic and accepting and also have personal expectations and respectful boundaries. I’m learning that it’s okay to expect things for myself, not just focus on what I have to do for others…

What a journey!

I got thinking about how often I assign meaning, memories and emotions to a thing, or a place, or a song or smell? Why do I hold onto things as a way to remember people?

My Dad died seven years ago now and shortly after that, my Mom moved to a much smaller house that was more manageable. As a result, my brothers and I all chose some items of furniture or such that we wanted.

I chose an old, green rocking chair that reminded me of my Dad. I remember that it sat next to the old, black, dial telephone on Dad’s desk. I remember sitting in that chair while Dad worked at his desk – paying bills, doing taxes, filing paperwork. I remember my Dad sitting in that chair, quietly reading a book and gently rocking back and forth.

Before my Dad died, I remember my husband’s grandparents passing away (within six months of each other) – and the resulting process of dispersing their worldly goods. Somehow, all of their “stuff” had go to new homes – their furniture, dishes, nic-nacs, jewelry, clothing, half-finished quilts, knitting needles, cutting boards, etc… It wasn’t always easy either! What to do when several people had memories and attachments to the same items?

And more recently, I’ve been thinking deeply about the life I want to live, and the stress that “stuff” can create as we have to keep it clean and put away. Having less “stuff” makes my live less stressful and more enjoyable.

So why do I hold on to that old green chair?

It’s a physical reminder of my Dad – the person that he was, the memories of being near him, the relationship that we had…

And yet, those memories don’t reside within the chair. That’s just a reminder, just a prompt. Those memories can never disappear, even if the chair is gone.

I’ve thought a lot about how to keep memories alive without these kinds of reminders. Sometimes it’s a photograph. Sometimes it’s the little things I say to my own children that I remember from my Dad. Sometimes it’s a passing thought.

But what’s most clear to me is that my memories don’t reside within the things around me – they’re part of me and who I am. I like that I don’t have to clutter my life with “stuff” in order to hold onto parts of who I am or what I care about. I’m grateful that I’ve learned to focus on what’s really important to me – all of the “stuff” I need is already inside of me.

And I hope that my children will learn, as a result, that material things aren’t what’s really important!

In some ways, it was the same as usual – dinner with the in-laws, Christmas morning all together with the kids.

And yet it wasn’t the same. It was the first Christmas since my husband and I separated. Of course it was going to be different and stressful, in some way or another, right?

As I sit tonight and reflect on the thoughts, feelings and events that transpired over the last two weeks, I feel overwhelmed – by lots of the same old feelings…

And I realize how easy it is to let myself be lulled into a familiar rhythm – to allow myself to think that maybe things can kinda continue along, not all that different. Perhaps pretending to myself (or wishing) that we could skip over all the potential pitfalls and jump straight to a friendly co-parenting stage of our separated relationship.

Maybe, if I lie here quietly and pretend everything is okay, then the boat won’t rock so harshly. If we just don’t talk about it and pretend we’re okay, maybe we can just glide a little while and not get gored by the rocks beneath the surface. I was rocking softly in a hammock with my eyes closed – and perhaps that’s why it’s so shocking when I reflect now and feel the cold, cold water engulf my body as this particular (dream) boat capsizes…

It hits me with all the grief of a fresh wound – no, we aren’t going to just move forward as if nothing has changed but we’re living in separate places. No, it’s not going to be smooth sailing.

It hurts…

I can’t stay in the same place, even though I look yearningly over my shoulder, wishing it were different – wishing we could laugh again, talk to each other, share dreams. What happened to the soft touch, inside jokes, shared history, holding hands, comfortable silences, supportive hugs?

Yet I can appreciate that this pain and grief are also what opens my heart, mind and spirit to growth. I have, indeed, walked through a door to a different place and it will take time to feel comfortable here – time to get familiar with the new and to grieve the good parts of what I left behind.

And I have to keep reminding myself that, even when it’s hard, I can only keep moving forward – learning, digging deeper to understand, getting healthier and more authentic with each step.

Being lulled may be easy in the moment, but ultimately, it holds me in this purgatory of uncertainty, fear and doubt for just a little longer than I need to be…

Immediately, I bristled…

Sure, there’s that Mama Bear instinct – the one that wants to squash anyone or anything that hurts your little baby. But this reaction was more than that.

On Tuesday, I sat at my eight year old son’s Remembrance Day ceremony. I watched the Grade Three’s recite “In Flanders Fields” and the Grade Five’s each state what peace means to them.

As I listened to my son and his classmates recite the poem, I particularly noticed the final verse:

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.
(by Lieutenant-Colonel John McCrae)

I cringed a little inside. Like I always have, at every Remembrance Day ceremony since I’ve understood what it was all about. And I thought of my daughter, being teased for saying that she’s part German…

How am I supposed to feel when I sit in a ceremony, listening to stories of the sacrifices made by the Allies in order to preserve world peace, knowing that I am a part (through my heritage) of this enemy of freedom? And yet I’m also grateful that Hitler was defeated! And I’m grateful for the sacrifices that Canadian soldiers made by going to war.

What am I supposed to feel if I’m the “foe”? My family, going back generations, is German on both sides. My father and uncles fought in World War II as German soldiers. My dad was captured just outside of Berlin by the American forces and became a POW. The Americans “traded” him to the French because France needed help rebuilding.

Was my dad the bad guy?

What I know is that I’ve always found this confusing. What I know is that my dad was the quietest, most gentle man you could ever meet. He so rarely got angry, he was never aggressive, he never hit us, he didn’t even raise his voice! I remember being mad at him and having to work really hard to STAY mad at him because he could always make me laugh! What I know is that this man was not the foe.

Then I listened to the Grade Five students recite their “Peace is…” statements. Many evoked beautiful imagery, but what did they mean?

Peace is a flower blooming.
Peace is water running over rocks.
Peace is a mountain meadow.

Then, second to last, one boy said “Peace is caring about all the people in the world.”

Suddenly, something fell into place for me. I’ve always hated feeling like, maybe, I should hide a part of myself on this day. And years of feeling slightly embarrassed or shameful is what made me bristle when my daughter came home from school, upset.

Today, I finally put my finger on something that I’ve never been able to articulate before. I never want to minimize what Canadian (and other Allied) soldiers did to preserve the peace that my privileged little life makes so easy to take for granted. But the foe that they fought was not the German soldiers who stood before them – not my gentle, teen-aged father.

The foe that they fought and that we must all continue to fight is not any one person – not even Hitler. It is something that each of us, in different ways, struggles with. It is part of being human.

Our foe is the fear inside that clouds our ability to listen to another’s point of view.

Our foe is that insecurity that makes us seek power over others, as if to prove our own worth in some way.

Our foe is the lack of self awareness and empathy that allows us to single mindedly pursue our own needs without care for the needs of others.

Our foe is the silent way we “sleep” through our days – doing things how they’ve always been done, because that’s how they’re “supposed” to be done, never questioning whether that’s right or not?

Our foe is also that very human desire to point a finger of blame or judgment at someone else, be that one other human being or another country – because it allows me to think it couldn’t have been me and, therefore, I don’t have to do anything differently…

I cannot and will not judge the German people for following an insane leader. I cannot say that I would not have done the same if I felt my children were threatened. It’s so easy to see the truth in hindsight, from my warm, safe house, with food in my fridge and my children sleeping soundly in their beds…

What I can do, though, is continue to do the often difficult work of digging through my own assumptions, actions, reactions, patterns, issues, beliefs and stories.

What I will do is continue to strive to parent my own children with more awareness and to model an unconditional kind of love that accepts, supports and inspires them to reach their greatest potential.

What I must do is work with passion and integrity to transform our “stories” about parenting and schools – so that every child can grow into self aware, compassionate, literate, contributing citizens of our society.

This is how I choose to “take up the quarrel with the foe.”
Because I also believe that “peace is caring about all the people in the world.”

And it will be an every day, every moment, every person kind of peace that we will create together…

And that was okay. I felt safe to write about my meandering, backtracking, sometimes tangential journey to figure myself out, to be a better parent, to live authentically, to find ways to be happy, to figure out my reason for being, to “think out loud” (so to speak)!

A funny thing happened…

The people who read my blog (and came back for more) were kindred spirits or on similar journeys. I think Seth would say I started to recognize my tribe.

And more people in my 3D world started to know about and read my blog. I often found myself ducking my head and thinking “oh no!” when people would say “hey, I read your blog!” But even that turned out to be a good thing, because those people often followed that with “how did you get inside my head??”

Wow! You mean I’m not the only one feeling like this? Or overthinking? Or worried that I’m not doing a good enough job as a parent? Or lonely?? I reveled in that validation for a little while…

And then something else happened…

I hit another part of my journey that I didn’t think I could share here.
It stopped feeling like a safe place and I stopped writing.
And I didn’t even really think much of it until I was on Skype to China with my good friend Dave.
“Hey, you haven’t been writing on your blog – what’s up?”

I stumbled and stuttered and muttered something about not enough time and too much going on and having to respect the privacy of other people involved in my life…

And here I am, realizing now that I have this story that I have to face.

I separated from my husband in the Spring and told myself that I couldn’t write anymore because he wasn’t comfortable with me talking about it. I’ve been realizing that, while that may be true, (and I absolutely do need to be conscious of his privacy) I also don’t feel comfortable telling people about it. I’m scared of what people will think or how people will judge me (without even knowing what did or didn’t happen!)

Darn it! It’s so much easier to blame someone else, isn’t it? As long as I maintain my “story” about how things are, I can walk around all self righteous and holier-than-thou! Then it’s his problem, not mine!

Oh how sweetly seductive…
Especially at a time when I feel most vulnerable and full of self doubt!

Alas, hiding from myself only works for a little while – and then my drive to find myself and to live authentically reasserts itself and forces me to look in the mirror of my estranged husband’s eyes and see my own fears reflected back at me.

I’m still not comfortable writing and I’m not feeling secure. I realize every day that I still have so much to learn about the patterns in my life, the fears, the self doubt, the desire to be liked, the fear of not being enough.

But perhaps I just need to “act my way into a new way of thinking” in this case. (quote by Richard Pascale)
I’m the only one who can choose to do it differently.

So have I mentioned that I’m separated from my husband? Have been since May…

Being self-employed during economically challenging times is even more stressful.

Becoming a single-parent and being self-employed during economically challenging times has been a new experience for me. And I can’t say it’s one that I enjoy, from the stress-perspective…

So I can honestly say, I have a different perspective now on being grateful for the simple things in life than I’ve had before.

I’ve always been conscious of being grateful for what I have, and I’m aware that I’ve lived a pretty privileged life. It is, however, easy to sit in my comfortable home, knowing there’s money in the bank for most things that I want to do (and definitely for everything that I need) – and then take a moment to be thankful.

It’s something different to wonder if you’ll be able to cover your family’s needs…

I’ve had to be a more cautious shopper lately, being conscious of only purchasing the essentials. My kids haven’t gone hungry, by any means – we just don’t eat out as much or I haven’t always had their “favorites” in the house like I used to. In lots of ways, it’s a good thing because we’re eating healthier, more homemade and certainly less junk food!

Today, I went grocery shopping for more than just essentials – knowing that I had some money coming. As I put away my purchases at home, I found myself standing in front of the fridge, experiencing a moment of such pure relief! I hadn’t really realized the stress I’ve been carrying until I could let it go for a moment! And it struck me, “this is such a small taste of what it must feel like for families who live in real crisis!”

Wow!

I’m safe and my children are safe – we aren’t worried about bombs or soldiers or where we’ll sleep or if we have clothes or if the water is clean.
We have power and telephone and internet and TV and a vehicle to get us around and cell phones and all sorts of “extras”.
We have the luxury to be picky about our food.
I can send my kids to school each day.
And so much more…

I’m grateful to have a better perspective on life!

I may feel overwhelmed, I may be worried about where the next money will come from or how I’ll pay next month’s bills, I may feel stressed – but my life is pretty darned good and it’s a good thing to be reminded of that sometimes!

This happened to me recently when I called up the president of a local IT company, wanting to talk about possible job opportunities in educational technology projects. The first time I’d met this guy, I was the very junior support and office admin person. And here I was, wanting to talk about leadership, strategic planning and the human complexities of change management. Would he listen to me? Did I have to convince him that I’m capable of the roles I’m proposing? How could I relate fifteen years of experience and growth into a fifteen minute conversation??

As it turned out, he was completely open to our conversation and followed up afterward to thank me for my call. We’ll see where it goes from here, but I realized I’d been worrying about and anticipating a reaction that didn’t materialize.

I worry that people won’t consider the possibility that I’ve grown and changed over time and with life experiences. And that reminded me to make sure I also grant other people the space to have grown and changed.

Suspend assumptions.
Stay open.
Be patient.
Remove judgment.

I have to do it for myself just as much as remembering to do it for others. I too often get impatient with myself – wanting to hurry up and do better, so that I’ll be more worthy…

Funny how often our own issues show up first in reflection from other people. I can see it (and criticize it) in you before I even see it in myself. And really, it’s probably a natural outcome of our view on the world. I’m always looking out, at everyone else. I can’t look myself in the face – except in a mirror. How often do I only see myself through the reflection in your eyes?

Put that together with the fears of inadequacy and self doubts that so many of us are plagued by and it creates the strong tendency to externalize and to place blame on others. It’s so much easier to see that reflection and believe that it’s YOUR problem, not mine! I don’t want to admit (to myself, let alone to you!) that there’s something wrong with me or that I’ve failed somehow! In fact, I think we’ve internalized this so deeply that we don’t even see that we’re doing it – it just doesn’t even occur to us that what bothers us about others is really about our own issues…

I’m working on it.

I’m grateful for the way that Thomas White gently reminds me “Is there something in that frustration that’s about you?”
Every time something bugs me about someone else, or when I have an emotional reaction to something or someone, I try to remember to reflect and see what part of that is about me and my own issues or fears or weaknesses.

Because really, it can either be painful and frustrating (because I can’t force you to change) or it can be an opportunity to learn about myself – often painful but not nearly as frustrating (because I have complete control over self reflection and personal change)!

I choose not to suffer.
I choose to grow.

Now somebody remind me to be patient…

As I flipped through the pages, a short & funny little poem I’d written jumped out at me:

Here I am
In school again,
Wondering it
I’m really sane!

What in the world
Do I hope to gain?
I’d be better off
Walking in the rain!

It really is
Quite a shame
To only see the world
Through a window pane!

But in this class
I sit in pain.
While the world goes by,
This room remains the same.

Challenges no longer
Reach my brain,
Boredom has become
My ball and chain.

This monotony is like
An open drain!
I have to break it
Or I’ll soon go… CRAZY!! Ha!

I certainly giggled for a moment, but then got to thinking. I felt like school lacked relevancy back then. It was something I just had to endure and get through so that I could get down to the real-life stuff.

Is that still how students feel about school?
My children are younger, but my 11 year old already feels this way.
How long will it be for my 8 year old to follow suit?

My favorite moment was when, one day, she enthusiastically shouted her response with all the joy and honesty of a toddler – “oh Mommy, we love ourselves!”

I didn’t know why at the time, but my heart squeezed and I marveled at how profound that statement was – out of the mouths of babes indeed! In retrospect, that was a defining moment in my life. I realized that I always wanted my children to feel that way! And I had to parent them in a way that helped them hold onto what they already had – a deep and accepting love of themselves, an authenticity that I strived for, a presence that brought joy into every moment in simple little ways.

And I learned over time and through experience that the only way to teach my children to love themselves was to learn to love myself first! What a journey that’s turning out to be!

But it’s not about building high self esteem. To me, that implies that I’m trying to feel good about myself more of the time – that I think I’m beautiful, that I’m good at things, that I don’t put myself down. And, although those things sound positive, that thinking requires judgment. By judging myself “good” at something in this moment, I open the door to feeling that I’m “bad” at something in the next – and then I’m likely to berate myself for not thinking “good thoughts” instead! It’s inevitable that I’ll be successful at times and fail at others. I have strengths and weaknesses. That’s just being human and there’s no problem with that! It’s important for us to constantly assess ourselves and our actions – in order to see where we need to learn and grow. It’s the self judgment that brings with it the pain. Striving for high self esteem just sets me up for moments of despair and low self esteem, simply by its very nature!

Instead, what I want is to love myself – with all of the authenticity, acceptance and faith of a three year old. A toddler doesn’t fall down and berate herself for having failed – “I can’t do it” “I’m so stupid!” “Everyone else can do this, why can’t I?” “What’s the matter with me?” No, she gets back up and tries again – because it’s just a learning opportunity, not a judgment of her human worth!

As children, we all knew this kind of self love when we operated on a strictly feeling level. Toddlers experience life moment by moment because they haven’t yet developed the ability to look forward or back in time. But then we started to think…

We live in a society that values thinking over feeling. We believe the studies, the scholars, the intellectuals. We push our children to go to university. We seldom ask our children how they feel about something – we ask them what they think? Or what they’re going to do? In school, we want them to learn facts and figures, solve problems by thinking of a plan, or research and report on topics like Egypt or penguins. Compare and contrast. Read for information. Add and subtract.

So we think. We worry. We doubt. We fear. We react. Because we remember. I remember the times I failed and everyone laughed. It wasn’t the failure that was the problem – but everyone laughed and I felt humiliated. I remember when Mom yelled because I dropped a glass of juice and it shattered into a million pieces. I didn’t realize that she just had a bad day – I just remember that she was so mad and I felt like it was my fault.

So we fear. We want desperately to think that we’re okay (or even good!) and that we’re lovable and worthy – but worry that maybe we’re not. Maybe we’re not good enough. Maybe we’re failures. And fear puts us in a mindset that finds confirmation in all sorts of places – “Why did she say that? Does she think I’m stupid?”

At a workshop with my school district yesterday, Andy Hargreaves talked about the importance of having a dream – something that drives you and guides you to a bigger purpose in life, so that you avoid getting stuck in details or even in day-to-day enthusiasm without forward motion.

Then at dinner that evening, Andy asked Brian Kuhn and me a question: As parents, what do we want our children to have or to learn? What is our goal for them? So many things went through my mind – I want them to be thoughtful, caring, empathetic, self-sufficient, participating citizens, involved, passionate, happy, loving, curious, continuous learners, persistent, determined, informed, critical thinkers, strong, active, healthy, creative, compassionate of others, conscious of their actions and the implications, etc… My mind raced!

And I looked at my watch and realized I had to go! But Andy turned to me and said “Quick, in two or three sentences, tell me what you want. In that moment, I had to choose – I had to choose one thing that I could say in a couple of sentences. I fumbled for a moment and then realized that what’s absolutely fundamental to me is that I want my children to learn to accept themselves, to know their strengths and weaknesses, to work together to everyone’s best advantage.

I found myself reflecting on that answer in the wee hours of this morning, lying awake in my bed. That was my quick answer in a moment of pressure, but is that really the fundamental thing? Why? That brought me back to that defining moment of mine – a realization that although all of my racing thoughts were true and important, if I have to pick only one thing that my children will have as they move into adulthood and this world, I want them to remember to love and accept themselves the way they did as toddlers with the added thoughtfulness, wisdom and experience that they’ll learn from life.

Which brings me back to my dream…

On the surface, what I want is almost simplistic. It’s certainly highly idealistic. It’s way bigger than anything I can accomplish in my lifetime, and I certainly can’t accomplish it alone!

I have a dream that we’ll live in a world where everyone loves themselves. And more specifically, it will be a world where all children are surrounded by adults who value them and who help them learn about themselves, all the while holding on to the authenticity and love that they already came into this world knowing!

Certainly they will still struggle to find their way – and the struggle is part of learning and growing. But what if we could mentor and guide them? Be there when they ask for help? Model for them from early on?

Here’s what I know:

• When I love myself, it’s easy to love others. And it’s easy to feel loved.
• When I stop judging myself, I can also stop judging others.
• When I love and accept myself, I can accept criticism and be curious. I can be grateful for the feedback, I can ask questions, I can learn.
• When I love and accept myself, I don’t react and I stop perpetuating bad patterns (I said this, he said that, she must have meant this, I’m so stupid…)
• And when I can do all of that, the inevitable human conflicts we experience cease to be a negative or painful thing – they simply become opportunities to learn and grow!

What will our world look like when we all love ourselves?

• No more wars.
• No more divorce.
• No more drug and alcohol abuse, no gangs, no crime.
• No more bullying problems (since we’ll help our children learn from and resolve conflict rather than escalate it).
• No more poverty.

Like I said, I realize this is highly idealistic. Isn’t that the point of a dream?
Think about it…

Mommy, we love ourselves!

As I walked this morning, something occurred to me…

I’m not working my way in – I’ve been at the heart all along! In reality, this struggle has been about “coming out” so much more than “going in”…

I’ve been thinking a lot about the Northern Voice session with Barbara Ganley, Laura Blankenship & Nancy White about “the space in between”. We talked there about this struggle many of us are feeling to bridge between our online and offline lives – how to stay connected in both? How to find meaning in both?

I feel the same conflict that David Truss has talked about between the online taking him away from meaningful in-person interactions (with his kids, with his wife, with his coworkers) and, on the other hand, the feeling that the interactions and learning that happens with his online network is so much deeper and more meaningful, somehow?

So as I thought about my own struggle, it struck me (and I literally mean it was a physical realization – that “OMG” kind of moment). This isn’t really about the boundary of online to offline for me – it shows up there at times, but that’s not the core of my struggle. It’s about how I negotiate and bridge the boundary between “me” and the rest of the world.

I have a strong visual of being inside my shell, my bubble. I’ve built it over many years – starting in childhood, as I learned to think, to judge, to fear…  It’s almost like I’m in one of those hamster balls, but that’s too transparent. A “shell” makes more sense to me. Or a costume. Or a mask.

It is that outer image that I’ve patched together from all of the messages I’ve absorbed about who I “should” be, what people expect of me, what I have to be in order to be accepted and loved. And it’s a hard shell! For a long time, it served me – it protected me from feeling. I let it make my decisions for me (Nope, can’t do that. What would people think? Yup, have to do this. I have no choice because otherwise people won’t like me anymore… )

But I’ve experienced something else. There are moments when I lose those stories about myself and the world – and I just “am”! I find that space where I lose all judgment, all sense of time (and the day just flies by!) and all uncertainty. It’s a space I walk into when I’m engaged in an exciting project, when I’m problem solving complex issues, when I’m playing music, when I’m looking with my “inner” eyes in order to create (art, photography, ideas, etc…). I’m there when I play and learn with my children.

And over the last couple of years, I started noticing those spaces, those moments. I got curious (and often frustrated) that I could be so inconsistent – in one moment, completely immersed and powerful, fearful and doubting in the next. I want to live in that space more often – all of the time, really!

So that is when I started searching, going deeper, introducing myself to my self. I’ve courted that self. I’ve gotten curious, asked questions, spent time sitting silently & just listening for the feelings that can’t be put into words without losing their meaning.

Now I sit at this new boundary – struggling and trying to learn how to “be” that authentic person in interaction with this world. With one hand, I hold tight to the hand of that inner self – with the other hand, I’m grasping. I’m reaching, struggling, sometimes grabbing impatiently. And, so often, it hurts – it doesn’t work, I’m uncertain, I’m afraid, and I pull back into my shell again.

If I let go of my “self” and then reach out to the world, I know how to interact – I have learned well how to mold myself, to anticipate what people want from me, to be what others need. But I pay a price for that letting go – I can’t look in the mirror, I get stomach aches, I get headaches, I can’t sleep at night, I obsess about whether what I did was right or if it offended or if I should have done it better…

This is the bridge I don’t know how to build yet – the one that touches both of these shores.

I know I want to be me now, all of the time! I know I want to look in the mirror every day and see myself looking back without judgment. I know I want to be loved unconditionally – just for being me, as I am. I know I have to love myself unconditionally before I’ll ever be able to accept that kind of love from another. I know I want to love my children, significant other, friends, family (and everyone) that way. And the best way to learn to do that is to learn how to love myself that way.

I think many of us are struggling on this boundary right now. Being anything other than my “self” is no longer personally acceptable.

I can’t give up…

As the conversation turned to a feeling of having lost themselves, or of having no “self” – I found myself wondering:
How much of this “lost self” is really about the words you use to describe yourself? (i.e. your job, your place in a family, your relationship, etc…) And when that stuff changes, we suddenly feel lost – whether that’s because of a lost job, a choice to stop working, a divorce, a death, an illness, a birth, etc…

What’s left? What’s consistent beyond all that? Beyond the words?

I’m not inside anyone else’s head and I don’t know your thoughts and feelings – so I don’t assume that you’re feeling the same way. But here’s what I’ve been looking at lately…

Maybe all of these labels and all of this trying to make people “understand me” is really my need for external validation. Maybe I’m desperately looking for someone else to tell me that I’m alright because I don’t trust myself. Maybe the labels and the words actually get in the way of me knowing and trusting who I really am? It’s too easy to get stuck in “should be” and expectations.

When I sit quietly and let myself stop for more than a moment (which has been brutally hard to do sometimes!) – I’ve been able to connect with something that is bigger than words and I can only describe as a feeling of my self. It has nothing to do with my career, my hobbies, my friends – not even with my beloved life as a mother to my three children!

It’s a sense of the purest joy I’ve ever felt. It feels like a geyser from the deepest regions of my heart. I’m a visual person, so I can only describe it as feelings that “look” colorful and slowly spinning up and out. I imagine myself dancing slowly in a circle, arms flung wide and head back. I’m smiling that big stupid grin that I just can’t wipe off my face…

This is my “self”. I can’t prove it to you. I can’t show it to you. I just KNOW because it feels right… And everything that I do or say or believe will spring from this place of joy and authenticity – and it will be right for me!

I think every one of us has that gut feeling – that sense of ourselves that we can’t describe. And it may show up differently for each of us too – as a feeling or a song or a picture or ??

We know it or recognize it because it feels so darned good! It feels childlike, maybe. Pure. Uncomplicated. Gina Mollicone-Long used to tell me “pay attention to what gets your attention!”

Now, if only it would be easy to trust that… Even writing it down feels funny – and I have to stifle the fear that you’ll look at me funny after this. I’m afraid you’ll think it’s goofy and flaky and definitely not “real”.

And, well, I just have to trust that you’ll take it in whatever way works for you (or not at all!) – and I can still trust that it’s right for me!

Thanks for listening to more than my words!

damage done in ways
that stitches can’t fix
and bandages won’t hold together
the wound feels ragged and bleeding

next comes the wind
a storm rages
as I walk this path
and I’m afraid
The trees sway wildly
broken branches fall
striking the ground
all around me

I start to wonder
what if a tree falls?
what if it hits me?
what if it kills me?
what if…

but I have no choice
there is no shelter here
I walk alone on this path
I can only keep going
and trust
that I’ll handle whatever comes

the ocean waves froth and roil
the rain pelts down
and the wind
makes it hard to breath

my heart pounds
and I know I’m awake

I am awed and, frankly, blown away by my children all the time – by their openness, their love, their creativity, their thinking, their sense of humor, their beauty, their joy…

My heart swells and tears often well up in my eyes – every day, every time I’m with them, every time I think of them, every time they say “I love you Mommy”, every time they tell me stories, every time I watch them together, every time I watch them sleep.

They are so precious and whenever they tell me they love me, I always say “thank you!” It’s something that I started doing because it felt so natural and so right. When my daughter asked me one day why I thanked her, it was easy to explain that I was just so darned grateful for the gifts that I consider them to be – that they love me, that they are here in my life, that I can watch them grow and develop!

As a matter of fact, I can’t say that I’ve ever met a child that hasn’t amazed me, surprised me, grabbed my heart or all of the above! They are all gifts!

And yet, I’ve shied away from saying “I’m so proud of you” to any of my children. It just doesn’t feel right!

They are amazing, that’s true, but is it as a result of me or my parenting? I just don’t think I can take credit for who they are – they have always been these amazing little spirits in my care. They each have their own ways of being, their own strengths, their own weaknesses, their own quirks, their own passions.

Being “proud” implies some level of credit for their achievements, personalities and abilities. It also implies that they are somehow a “subset” of me and my husband, rather than their own, separate beings. How conceited for me to think, just because I donated some genetic material, that they are mine to create, mold, or destroy!

And honestly, it’s impossible to truly control another human being! I often think of Barbara Coloroso talking about being a teacher and realizing one day that she COULD NOT control a five year old boy in her class. She told him to sit down, and he wouldn’t. She tried to bribe him, and he wouldn’t. She threatened him, and he wouldn’t. So finally, she just sat on him. He sat quietly with her on his lap and then said “as soon as you get up, I’m getting up too!”

I firmly believe that any kind of control of another human being is always an illusion. At best, we can achieve short term compliance (usually out of fear). But at what cost to the relationship? And what cost to their self image?

I am here to guide my children, to advise them, to support them and to teach them. And I live in a world of constant contradictions – I protect them and yet encourage them to take risks, I hold them close and yet push them to explore. It is a fine art (that I can’t say I’ve yet perfected!) to protect them from damage without sheltering them from the discomfort that’s necessary to learn in life!

I want to be their safe harbor and their soft place to land when they feel overwhelmed by the world in the hope that I can give them the confidence to make that leap of faith that life will demand of them sometimes.

And most importantly, I am here to love them and to be their first mirror – the one that reflects to them, without prejudice, their true selves. Because children begin life completely self centered and unaware of themselves as separate beings. And then they gradually develop a greater sense of self-awareness – recognizing themselves as separate and needing us there to show them who they are.

When I’m loving and patient no matter what the transgression – they learn that they are, indeed, lovable and worthy of my effort. When I set clear boundaries rather than react or take out my stress on them for little (or big) things – they learn to respect other human beings and their needs. When I reflect to them authentically and clearly, they learn to trust that they will hear the truth from me, no matter how hard that might be – and that it will come from love, not from my fears!

Oh, this path of parenting is so hard. It’s exhausting and trying – it pushes us to our limits and beyond on a daily basis!

But through it all, we have to choose to parent our children with respect and love, instead of impatience and anger. For me, that has became possible only as I learned to truly understand, in my heart (not just my head), that children are not “lesser” just because they are children!

Yes – I’m very proud of myself!

And I’m not proud of my children at all!!

This morning it was the following conversation between George Siemens and Jennifer Jones that got me thinking about the power of Twitter.  And not only did they decide to challenge each other, they ignited me to think about my own comfort zone – and where I need to step out of it…

gsiemens: somewhere, deep, deep (did I say deep?) inside of me, exists the spirit of an artist. That spirit is trampled and ignored. How to ignite?

injenuity: @gsiemens Same here. I think the only answer is to practice things that are not easy for us, rather than staying in our comfort zones.

gsiemens: @injenuity good point about comfort zone. trying new things and failing is a far more exciting way to live than to always be successful

injenuity: @gsiemens So let’s pick something for each other to learn

gsiemens: @injenuity how’s this: you pick a topic, I’ll learn about it, express it visually (my other weakness) and post commentary on my blog) y/n?

gsiemens: @injenuity and, of course, I’ll select a stimulating topic for you to explore

injenuity: @gsiemens I love that idea! Will you pick one for me too? I’ll have to think a bit to come up with something for you.

gsiemens: @injenuity 1) decide topic 2) other person has 1 week 3) post publicly… Anything else to add for guiding principles?

injenuity: @gsiemens Other person should reject if they are already familiar with it. So maybe we need backup topics. Any rule about final product?

gsiemens: @injenuity only rule on final topic: method of expression has to also challenge the person producing it (i.e. push out of comfort zone)

injenuity: @gsiemens Sounds fair. It would be too easy for me to just take a photo.

And as simply as that, a challenge is begun!

How often, in our everyday world, do we:

1) share something personal – like the feeling that your creative side is feeling “trampled and ignored”?
2) get a meaningful, empathetic response (instead of an awkward silence and some pretty wierd looks)?
3) find a like-minded challenge/accountability partner within minutes of voicing our desire?

And why is this possible on Twitter?  Because we’re connecting with a world of like-minded yet diverse people from around the world in a conversation that spans space and time.  And WOW – this conversation is amazing!

Join in!

She wrote on her blog:

Travis, a band with Scottish accents and lyrics that touch my heart and soul, my favourite by them is Walking in the Sun, about not following what society deems right but rather what is right for you – I have fought society for a long time now, this song fits like a glove

[flash http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RbzolUqB8Zw]

I was walking along in the sun
Taking pictures of everyone
And there’s something on the tip of my tongue
Oh oh oh oh
Well it’s easy to see from the far
And it’s easy to be on your guard
But it’s harder just to be who you are
Oh oh oh oh

When all these people who will lead you down
The back of the track
They’re on your back
They will try and tear you apart
But believe and you will see
That there’s no reason to doubt
Then you will find
You can do much better than that

If you think of all the things that you feel
All the voices in your head that you hear
It’s a mystery that we are all still holding on

When all these people who will lead you down
The back of the track
They’re on your back
They will try and tear you apart
But believe and you will see
That there’s no reason to doubt
Then you will find
You can do much better than that

If you see me hit the ground
Don’t come near, don’t make a sound

I was walking along in the sun
Taking pictures of everyone
And there’s something on the tip of my tongue

(c) Independiente Records

This year, I think I’m going to follow Hayden Tompkins’ lead and choose a theme, instead of a specific resolution.

In fact, I think I’ll even be completely unoriginal and choose the same theme that she’s using!

Discipline

Our local hockey team, the Vancouver Canucks, recently celebrated the career of the recently retired team captain, Trevor Linden.  As I stood in Starbucks one day, waiting for my morning coffee, I browsed the lead article about Trevor’s career and one comment stood out to me:

(paraphrasing) Lots of other players in the NHL had the same kind of talent as Trevor Linden – what made him different is that he brought it to the rink EVERY DAY (emphasis mine).

This is the kind of discipline that I want to work on this year – although instead of hockey, I want to bring my authenticity, my clarity and my personal strengths/gifts to the table every day, in every part of my life (work, personal, parenting, relationships, blogging, etc…).

More and more often, I find moments of clarity in which I know who I am and what I bring to the table.  

What I wrote recently fits in nicely here: The next steps for me are really about accepting what I already know – and learning how to live that on a day to day basis.

Oh, what a journey it’s already been! It’s taken me so long just to figure out and learn to trust “what I already know” – instead of doubting and being afraid and listening to the voices filled with “should” and “not good enough” messages.

Even a month ago, I fell back to agonizing, over-thinking, and enormous self-doubt.  I was knee-deep in old patterns of seeking affirmation, feeling overwhelmed and fighting change – without even realizing it!  I knew it was painful but I didn’t recognize what I was doing.

Thank goodness for the wonderful friends I have in my life!  I had three conversations that cumulatively gave me that cosmic 2×4/kick-in-the-pants that I needed to recognize what I was doing – and that I was doing it to myself through my own thoughts! 

I had one friend summon the incredible strength to say “nope, things aren’t working for me here” – which shook me up & got me to step out of my experience for a moment to question what, exactly, was I doing and why??

I had another friend listen to my worries and struggles and say “I just don’t understand why you keep coming back to this doubt? You start down a road with such clarity and then suddenly, you lose it and you’re right back here again.”  I can’t say I’ve never heard this before, but this time, I was ready to hear it – and to really recognize a pattern that I hadn’t clearly recognized before.  So I could take that step back and examine that pattern with fresh eyes:  What is it that happens to me each time? Why do I fall back to doubting myself after I’ve had such clarity about who I am and what I need? What is hidden behind my doubt – what fear? What messages? What out-dated mechanisms of self-protection?

And finally, when I told a third friend about my feelings regarding my career and expressed a desire to find a mentor, he said to me with such clarity “You don’t need a mentor.  You just need to chill out and be yourself!” Again, there was that shocked moment of “oh” on my part – like he’d just told me I should dye my hair purple. “Really? Do you think so? I hadn’t considered that before…”

This time, I was ready to hear it and ready to recognize my patterns. I can’t tell you why it stuck with me this time when it went right over my head before??

What I do know is that the light went on and I feel different now. I’m ready for the next step toward the rest of my life – a life full of authenticity, passion and vitality! 

The true opposite of depression is neither gaiety nor absence of pain, but vitality – the freedom to experience spontaneous feelings.  It is part of the kaleidoscope of life that these feelings are not only happy, beautiful, or good but can reflect the entire range of human experience, including envy, jealousy, rage, disgust, greed, despair, and grief.
        - Alice Miller from her book “The Drama of the Gifted Child”

This is where that discipline comes in:

• The discipline to live that authenticity every day – with the full spectrum of feelings that go along with it!
• The discipline to remind myself again and again to “chill and be myself”
• The discipline to act from the clarity that I have about what matters to me, what my purpose here is and what I want to accomplish.

And the discipline to remember to be grateful for all the wonderful gifts that I already have in my life – like the support of my amazing friends!

It’s the same kind of discipline and “just do it” attitude that a farmer has to have – getting up every morning and doing the next thing on the list towards reaping a harvest (whether she feels like it or not!).

It’s just a different “to do ” list…

Better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else’s life with perfection.
       – From the Bhagavad Gita

Whew!

Recently, Dave Truss wrote a wonderful post, inspired by a youtube video about the “Girl Effect”.  That video inspired him to think about what the world needs – which is more women living and working authentically, bringing their feminine strengths to a society that so desperately needs some caring, collaboration, relationships and respect!

In response, Liz B. Davis started an honest, reflective conversation about gender equity and her discomfort with being on a “women’s” list – rather than just a “leaders” lists.

There’s a bit of a weird kind of feeling – that “wow, I’m honored” all mixed up with “are you trying to say I wouldn’t make the list if it were just leaders in general?”

Dave wrote another post in response to Liz, talking about his intention to highlight women role models – and the unintentional (or hidden) bias that our society often unthinkingly perpetuates at worst and at best, allows unchallenged.

That makes perfect sense to me but it got some peoples’ backs up.  There were commentators that suggested that Dave was missing an important point – that there were many excellent female role models out there for our children (moms, grandmas, etc…) and that he was demonstrating his own bias about the definition of power and success by not recognizing them as such.  

There were also several comments reminding us all that we (mothers and fathers) are our children’s strongest role models, by far – so quit worrying about what’s out there in the media or in society.

That really rings true for me.  When my daughter was young, I realized that parenting was not something I was willing to fail at – I loved her WAY too much to allow myself to be anything but conscious, reflective, and authentic.  That if I wanted her to love her body, I was going to have to figure out how to love my own.  If I wanted her to move through this world with respect, rather than be stuck under the “glass ceiling” or being “patted on the head” by the “old boys” – that I was going to have to show her a different way.  And so on (you know what I’m getting at, so I won’t keep listing more here…)

I truly believe that I am my childrens’ most important role model – and that I have way more impact on their beliefs and attitudes through what I model than any TV shows, music videos or advertisements.

That is both profoundly encouraging AND almost overwhelmingly frightening to me!  On the one hand, I have control (through personal responsibility) over ensuring my children have healthy role models.  On the other hand, I have control (through personal responsibility) over ensuring my children have healthy role models! 

At the same time, I firmly feel that this world DOES NOT have enough positive, PUBLIC, and female role models.  This conversation got me thinking, though, about who do I really think needs these role models?

And the resounding answer that came back to me – is ME!

I can’t say I grew up in a supportive, encouraging environment.  There was nothing malicious going on – my parents just had their own issues to deal with.  They grew up during difficult times, living as refugees during World War II, feeling the insecurity of wartime, having to fend for themselves and act as adults when they were still only children!  Then they were immigrants and farmers – struggling to get along and feed themselves and their children.  

Their single minded focus to give their children a better life spoke volumes about how much they loved us – and yet I never once heard “I love you” from either one of them!  And so often, I felt like I was in the way, causing trouble, or simply not worth their time/effort.  Again, I recognize, as an adult and as a mother now myself, that none of this was malicious or intended – but it had an effect anyhow.

Put that uncertainly or distrust in my own worth together with a society and a media that devalues my gender and ridicules my personal strengths and abilities – and you’ve got a recipe for a victim.  Oh poor me!  Look at what “they” do to me!

Well, I’ve chosen differently.  As Betty Gilgoff so beautifully writes on her blog, in response to Dave’s posts – women need to define and live by their own ideas about success. I, too, have made business decisions that may be viewed by many as unwise or as making me unsuccessful.  

When I started consulting as an IT Project Manager, I worked an unbelievable number of hours in order to prove myself.  Over time, though, I felt more confident and, every year, I increased my hourly price.  At the same time, I cut down on the number of hours worked as well – keeping my company’s yearly income virtually the same for five years.  In male circles, that might have been a sign of an unsuccessful company – since my income didn’t increase.  I viewed that as an enormous success, since I more than doubled my hourly wage AND more than doubled the amount of time I spent at home with my children, on fieldtrips, doing volunteer work, etc…

At last year’s Northern Voice Conference, the keynote speaker was Matt Mullenweg, founding developer of WordPress. He was talking about Open Source – and why he decided to make WordPress open source, despite immense pressure to make it a commercial venture.  I don’t recall his exact words, but the gist of it was: This world will always try to tell you how you’re “supposed” to do things. The fact of the matter is, we have to decide how it should be done and, instead of trying to change a flawed system to fix it, just DO IT DIFFERENTLY!  We have to do it right and create a new system that will eventually overtake the old, flawed system – because it’s right (and even though it’s not easy!).

He may have been talking about open source software – but the concept has stuck with me and applies directly to this discussion of gender equity, the “old boys club”, and a changing definition of success.

I’m trying to do things differently now – and much of that has to do with learning to trust my own way of doing things, despite the pressure I encounter to follow the status quo (and male dominated) ways of doing things!

I’m learning to trust that power doesn’t have to be aggressive or adversarial (win-lose).  My way is much “softer” – yet still incredibly powerful!  I build relationships, I trust my intuition, I build consensus and collaboration (win-win).  It’s often been hard when the decision makers or budget holders confront me with my “failings” (being too soft, being too emotional, getting too involved, not disciplining enough, etc…) – because I have to trust that my way is, well my way.  And that it will produce the desired results, as long as I trust in myself.  

It’s when I doubt myself that I start to stray away from my own path and try to follow the more “accepted” route instead – and I often get lost as a result. I just can’t be successful by putting on the costume and trying to play the part – inevitably, I forget some of the lines because they don’t come naturally!

No less important is the journey I’ve been on to become the parent that my children need.  It has been a daunting journey of self discovery – with a constant eye to opportunities for learning (which some might call mistakes, failures, etc…)!

There are days where I’m so darned tired and I fall back to doubting myself or my abilities.  Those are the days when I lay down my head and cry hot, salty tears – when I feel like I just can’t do it, that it’s too hard.

Those are exactly the days when I need those role models we’ve been talking so much about.  I need to be able to lift my head and seek out people who are living this authentic, passionate life that I’m trying to create for myself.  I desperately look for signs that I’m not out to lunch or trying to do something all alone.  I look from side to side to see if anyone else is walking this path beside me.

And when I find these people in the media, on blogs, on twitter, in my school communities, in books – I breathe a little easier.  I reach out for a Kleenex and dry my tears – because even without any direct contact with these role models and authentic leaders, I’m still reminded that I’m walking the (morally) right way!  And that’s all the support I need to lift my head and strike out again on that often difficult path that I’ve chosen!

So yes, you’re all right – our children don’t need a bunch of role models being recognized with media attention, awards or keynote addresses.  Our children need US to live authentic, open-minded and passionate lives!

We are the vulnerable ones who are often trying to do things differently than what was modeled for us – who are trying to change some fundamental beliefs about ourselves and how we are “supposed” to be in our society.  And we are the ones that need positive, PUBLIC, and authentic role models to help us move forward as we move mountains.

I don’t know about all of you, but I’m not shooting for modest gains or some “tweaking” of the system – I plan on changing the world!  And I know I will!

Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who actually do!

Won’t you join me?

So I dressed for the cold (yes, -4°C is cold to me!) and went to my favorite ocean-side park for a walk.  This is where I go to calm my mind, to move my body and to let go of the tightness and fears that so easily overwhelm me sometimes.

It’s not nearly that green today – there’s a light blanket of white still hanging around from the weekend snowfall and a sheet of ice lightly covering anything that hasn’t been touched by the sun quite yet.  Different – but still my favorite place to be!

As I walked,  I breathed.  I reminded myself that I have to stop living in my head  – in a world of “what if” and “should” and “why not” and “not good enough” - and choose to live life right here, in this moment.  I paid attention to all that’s around me. There’s the moss that is brilliantly green, particularly compared to the bare trees and muddy path.  There are the multitude of small to medium sized creeks – the water so happily pouring itself between and over the rocks as it finds its way down to the ocean.  I often think – this is the sound of nature giggling!

I noticed all the little birds and squirrels scurrying about.  Are they always there but I just don’t normally notice them because I’m so busy rushing through my walk, thinking about what I have to do or about a conversation that I had? Or needed to have?  Or are there really more of them out today because of the crisp, sunny weather?  Or does it really matter??    Oops – there I go again, off on some tangent in my head!

There was a point where I noticed quite a racket overhead and, looking up, noticed a bald eagle gliding high as a flock of little birds dive-bombed and squawked at it.  So calmly, that eagle floated down and landed on a branch – and just sat there.

I was surprised! Weren’t the little birds going to take this opportunity to attack it? After all, now it’s sitting still and vulnerable.  But they didn’t and that eagle sat there, as calm as could be – using its vantage point to survey all that lay below.

And that’s when it struck me – that eagle knows itself, knows its strengths and knows that those little birds are just distractions. It doesn’t need to spend it’s energy defending itself or running away because it knows – and those little birds know – what it’s capable of.  And it has absolute trust in knowing that it is an eagle!

More often lately, I’m getting a sense of who I really am and what my particular strengths are – or what gifts I bring to this world.  In fact, I have moments of absolute clarity – like when I’m chairing a DPAC meeting and the whole room is engaged and laughing and thinking about education and our children.  Like when I’m asking questions and learning and bringing a different perspective and my creativity to the table.  Like when I know, with absolute certainty, what is right for me or my children.

I walk away from those moments thinking “Wow! This is what I was put on this Earth for! This is what I was born to be!”

But then, I let myself be distracted by those little birds flying around my head – I get caught up in all those “shoulds” again.  I trust others’ voices above my own.  I blindly accept or reject my own or others’ ideas – not based on thoughtfulness, but purely on my reactions and fears.  I get all caught up in my feelings and accept that as truth instead of remembering those moments of clarity.

It seems so easy to spend my time and energy trying to defend myself, to prove that other’s are wrong so that I can be right, to only see what I’m NOT doing or being rather than what I AM and what I excel at.

And my own perspective changes depending on how I’m feeling about myself.  When I doubt myself, I doubt those around me.  When I’m afraid, I see threats from every angle.  When I get frustrated that I can’t seem to change things, then everything becomes so unchangeable.  Everything “out there” becomes a reflection of my inner belief system.

I am struck by one of the quotes on the Lululemon manifesto: “Your outlook on life is a direct reflection of how much you like yourself.”

It is when I’m comfortable in my own skin and living in that clarity that I am most accepting of others.  That’s the time when I am patient with everyone else’s process or state of mind.  And I can see the ways to inspire positive change – to care, to support, to motivate. 

Because it’s in those moments that I’m absolutely authentic about who I am, what I want and why – and I think that just like those little birds flying around that eagle, others can sense that certainty in me.  When I trust it, then others can trust it.  When I’m patient with myself, others can feel that I’m patient with them.  When I believe, then others can believe too!

And that brings me back to my journey.  The next steps for me are really about accepting what I already know – and learning how to live that on a day to day basis.

And I’m the only one who can choose to do that for myself…

The first concert I went to was when I was fifteen and my best friend, Claire, was sixteen. We drove to Vancouver with Claire’s mom, stayed with her Grandma in North Vancouver and we were allowed to drive BY OURSELVES to the Pacific Coloseum in Vancouver for the concert. It’s a little mind-boggling to me now that the two of us, coming from tiny little Osoyoos (about 2500 people and no stop lights!!) were allowed to go out on our own like that! Hmmm… Would we let our kids do that now??

We even got lost on the way back home and ended up almost getting in the ferry lineup at Horseshoe Bay – just because we were too scared to take a freeway offramp. We had NO expereience with freeways, so we were afraid we wouldn’t be able to find our way back on but going the opposite direction! We finally took an offramp because we had to, and ended up getting directions from some guy walking his dog!

And the concert we went to was Corey Hart – now that’s going back a ways! Come on – it was the 80′s and that pout was sexy!

I remember we had absolute nose bleed seats and the energy of an audience that size absolutely blew me away!

[flash http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=PXw4qqQqTrY]

Probably my favorite concert going experience was in a tiny, Kelowna ice rink – with about 200 people and the band basically standing on a plywood stage about three feet away from me. It was Tom Cochrane (back in the days that they were Tom Cochrane and Red Rider) – and they put on a fantastic live performance! In fact, I think they were even better live than they were on their albums!

It was one of my best friends who introduced me to their music and she was killed in a car accident during grad year. Their music still stands out for me and brings back many memories – mostly happy!

[flash http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=WXY9wANQIsY]

The third concert I loved going to was Def Leppard on their Hysteria tour. We had front row seats because they played “in the round” – which meant they were in the centre of the stadium with floor seating on both sides and we were in the first row of bleacher seating on the side. What a concert!! Incredibly energetic, exciting stage show, fantastic seats and a one-armed drummer to boot! Not to mention the 80′s hair…

[flash http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=aSaAXDBvfho]

A few years ago, Diana Krall played at the Vancouver Jazz Festival and my husband bought tickets for me and my friend Tanya to go. Talk about a contrast to the Def Leppard concert! Diana played in the Orpheum – posh, comfy seats, phenomenal acoustics…

I was blown away by her incredible musical talent. There was absolutely no doubt in my mind that she was actually playing and singing live – no lip synching at that concert!! (as opposed to the Elton John concert I went to more recently – I was SO disappointed!!)

Diana was funny, shy and self deprecating between songs – she even seemed somewhat uncomfortable with the attention. But then she would start playing and be absolutely transformed into a poised, confident musician – it was amazing to watch! Besides, I just love female voice with piano…

[flash http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=BGrsc5FeQDs]

And finally, I went to a Great Big Sea concert a few years ago – again, a completely different experience from all the others! Again, I loved how funny they were, we had great seats and they so obviously loved what they were doing! There was a camaraderie between the musicians that was neat to watch.

[flash http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=YKfQG9iQkI4]

Well – that was fun for me anyways!

What was your favorite concert?

And she’s emotionally intense! There is seldom a happy medium with her – it’s either the best day ever or it’s the end of the world…
 

 
I love her more than any words could ever say, no matter how she acts – and yet I have to watch myself at times to make sure that’s the message that comes through to her via my words, actions and attitude.

There are days where it’s so easy to wish that she were more even tempered.
When she’s melting down over some little thing, my first instinct is to tell her “Sophie, this is no big deal – stop making it such a big deal!”
When we’re other kids her age, at school, it’s so easy to look at other kids and wish that she could just go with the flow sometimes instead of ALWAYS turning things into such a fight!
And when we’re with other parents, it’s so easy to feel like they’re watching Sophie and thinking “whoa – her parents aren’t doing a very good job!”

But all of that is about me, not her!

Thinking that way doesn’t send her the message that she is loved unconditionally.
Thinking that way doesn’t take into consideration her needs and feelings.
And thinking that way doens’t put me into a place where I can support her to be her best self!

Her first preschool teacher gave me some wonderful perspective on Sophie’s emotional reactions.
She said something like “some kids feel things strongly – so of course they react strongly or have problems staying calm! The kids who stay calm aren’t necessarily more disciplined – they just don’t have those strong reactions that compell them to act. So it’s easy for them to stay calm and handle things well. But that isn’t true for the sensitive child and we have to love the child we’ve got – not the one we wish we had!”

And here’s the thing that makes it even harder – Sophie is so much like me! The same things she struggles with are what I’ve had to struggle with Those reactions are what I used to get reprimanded for all the time as a child.

I lived on a fruit farm and we always had a bunch of cats and kittens around to catch mice. And I always got attached to the kittens – playing with them all day, naming them, loving them. I remember when one of them got run over by my Dad’s truck. I was devastated! Yet, when I came out of my room one evening to get some kleenex (as I’d been crying), my mom looked at me and just said “Quit crying – it was only an animal! What would you do if I died?”

Now, she was just being a practical farmer. And she likely grew up with that same message – quit making a big deal about everything, we don’t have time for such nonsense!
I don’t blame my parents for the “unlearning” and pain that I’ve had to do to learn to know or trust myself. I do, however, choose to do things differently for my children!

And so I hold back the sigh of frustration and I bite my tongue when I feel the urge to tell her to just QUIT IT! I take a deep breath, remind myself that I love the child I’ve got – and support her in loving all the good sides of being a sensitive person (enormous empathy, an ability and desire to help people, an intuition and gut feeling that can guide your actions) as well as temper the difficult side (the reactivity, the intense upsets, the overwhelming emotions).

Oh how I love (and am thankful for) the children that I’ve got – they truly are amazing!

As I meandered through Twitter on Friday evening, I followed a link to an article about a WalMart employee being trampled to death in the rush of holiday shoppers looking for bargains on Black Friday.  The article talked about the people stepping over his body and making it almost impossible for anyone to get to help him.  It also talked about people refusing to stop shopping, even as announcements were made that the store was closing due to the death!  It sounds like they were almost pushed from the store, all the while saying “but I’ve been lined up since yesterday morning to get here first!”

And doesn’t that also mean that they spent the entire day on Thanksgiving sitting on the cold concrete, thinking about the great prices they were going to get on those Christmas gifts they wanted to buy?  No Turkey, no pumpkin pie…  And more importantly, I doubt that they were sitting there thinking about how lucky they were and being thankful for all they have – they were more likely focused on what they want!  I must admit, it left me feeling rather ill…

On Saturday morning, I ventured out to run some errands and found the longest lines I’d ever seen at my bank.  Then I went to Chapters to look for a book I’ve wanted to pick up – to find the parking lot full to overflowing and people yelling at each other over parking spots.  Ten steps further, there was a guy half out his window, kids in the backseat as he yelled obscenities at a woman who was trying to pull out.  Looked like she hadn’t noticed the yeller’s car stopped partially behind hers – she didn’t actually hit him, but he felt the need to let her know what an idiot she was anyways (although he used much harsher words…).

I thought to myself “wow – Merry Christmas!” (dripping with sarcasm)

It also made me stop and make a very conscious choice RIGHT NOW not to get caught up in that mindset.  Spending money, buying a zillion gifts, going into debt, being grouchy, feeling stressed, fighting line ups, trying to get the “hot” gift or the big deal – none of that is what Christmas (or insert the appropriate winter holiday for you here) is about!

I walked around that day with my head up, trying to make eye contact with whomever I crossed paths with – and I smiled.  Funny, it’s such a little thing, but most often, I got a smile back!  And I can just imagine a little “zap” of happy energy being transmitted back and forth – because I feel better when I smile and am smiled at, don’t you?

That day, and every day, I am making a point of looking each cashier in the eye and saying a heartfelt “Thank you! Hope you have a good day!” – and another smile…  I like to think that they’ll pass it on to every one else in that hopelessly long line up, and maybe make a difference in someone else’s day as well!

I had already started some discussions with my kids about materialism and the difference between buying for buying’s sake vs buying what we need.  Jen Jones got me thinking about the “stuff” in our homes a while back.  And another blog post (sorry, can’t remember whose!) talked about the environmental burden of buying another toy that we don’t really need (whether that’s a child’s or an adult’s toy!).  Shouldn’t we ask ourselves “if this is just going to go into the landfill, why am I buying it??”  Isn’t it our responsibility to think that way in order to protect our Earth (not to mention our pocketbooks)??

Tying the conversation about materialism into the environmental issues has really given me some perspective.  And my kids are starting to understand it too.  Of course, they’re still making the multi-page Christmas lists – but they’re also willing (albeit grudgingly, at times) to consider that they don’t really need all that stuff and that it’s important to think beyond that to the people and relationships in our lives instead.

My Christmas list is simple this year – and, in different ways, both easier and harder to fill than just going to the mall to buy something that will fit in a beautifully wrapped box.

I want peace in my home, in my community and in my world.  I want to spread it through small, everyday gestures that brighten people’s days amidst all the chaos and then ripple out in unanticipated ways like the growing waves generated by a single drop.

I want love for myself, my friends, my family and every individual.  Imagine a world where everyone loved themselves and felt love for those around them.  What could that look like?

And I want hope – I want to believe that, as lofty as these wishes may be, they are possible.   I believe, with my entire being, that every single person in this world wants these things for themselves and for their children.  And if we can connect with that shared passion, don’t you think we can move mountains?

Indeed, we are already moving mountains every day, aren’t we?  Through every little thing and many big things, every conversation, every “teachable moment” we take advantage of – every time we hug our kids, every time we smile at a stranger, every time we think beyond ourselves and reach out a helping hand.

Happy holidays everyone!
Nurture and enjoy the peace, hope and love that is available to us now and every day of the year!

I believe…

[flash http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=XxXY2-44bCs]

The words resonated with me because I’ve certainly been searching – and trying to find myself.

I’ve felt lost, overwhelmed, unsure, afraid.

I’ve been trying to sift through all of the “should” and “shouldn’t” messages.  I’ve struggled to know what parts of me I’ve created in order to fit in or to match other people’s expectations – and which parts are honestly, truly “me”??

I’m gradually starting to feel like I’m coming out of that fog to find myself – and that’s not who I thought I was even six months ago!

And once again I’m struck by the way everything comes together to provide exactly the learning that I need to be in this place, ready to take the next step.  It is, indeed, part of “my journey” and even the hard stuff is important to who I am right now – able to move forward with integrity and building confidence to change the world!

I’m really liking this time and place!  It feels full of possibilities.

“What was lost is found…”

The same is true for life – I get caught up in thinking that life is so busy and so hard that it ends up feeling overwhelming!  I remember hearing that referred to as “magnifying thoughts” – which makes perfect sense to me.  

Because life is indeed busy and chaotic – with three little kids, self employment, volunteering, finding time for exercise, talking to my friends once in a while, fitting in some sleep, etc…

So that part is a fact.  But what makes it hard is to get into thought patterns that make it even worse! 

I can’t handle this!
It’s never going to get any better!
I never have time!
It’s too much!
I can’t do it!

Yes, it feels like that in the moment, but history has shown that it just isn’t true.

I do handle it.
It does get better.
I actually do make time for the things that are important.
Well – maybe it is too much, but it’s within my control to change that. I could learn to say “no” sometimes!
And, in fact, I DO it regularly – fitting in all sorts of stuff.

And I don’t like the alternative (not getting things done, not having things to get done, not having my children, not having a life…).

So I take a breath and find ways to remind myself that life is actually pretty darned good!
We are, indeed, very lucky, despite all the stuff that we worry about.

And here’s a good, video reminder of that:

[flash http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=rvTFKpIaQhM]

My mind starts racing and finding “proof” that this must be the case:

• the look on their face the last time we talked
• that email I sent must have upset them
• if it were me, I’d be upset

I find this kind of thinking really affects my relationships – and it’s all in my head!  Why don’t I just talk to the other person and ask if there’s something wrong?

This is one of those things where I keep putting my hand back in the fire and feeling the pain – then reacting from that fearful, frightened place.  I’m scared that I’ve done something to upset the other person or that I’ve done something wrong.  And really deep down, I’m scared that means that I’m really not good enough…

So I don’t ask – because there is a risk that the other person might actually be thinking what I think they’re thinking!  They might really be upset at me.  And that would be like my own fears being realized – that there’s really something wrong with me!

But even without asking, I’m still in a lousy mental place because I’m still thinking that I’ve upset that other person or failed somehow.

What do I gain by not addressing the issue?  In effect, by not taking action, I’m giving up!  There’s a slim or no chance of things getting better because I’m avoiding the situation!  The next time that I see or speak to that person, I’m acting from that place of fear and the assumptions I’ve made – perhaps I’m thinking “Oh they’re mad at me” so my tone is curt (because I want to get away) and they’re left standing there thinking “what’s her problem??”  Or I go on the attack because I need to justify that it’s not my fault.  So my fears become true – now that other person really is mad at me!

So here’s the thing – I’ve been learning that I have to LET GO, not GIVE UP.  Giving up means you stop trying.  Letting go, though, is about no longer trying to control the outcome or no longer being afraid of the outcome.  When I let go, I have to take that risk – it might turn out exactly how I fear it will.  But at least I’ve taken the chance that it will turn out well! 

To let go is the ONLY way to open myself up to having the real relationships that I want – authentic, open, and loving.

And here’s the thing – this is easy to say about that interaction I had with someone at work, or even with a friend.  But how do I do this when it has to do with my deepest, closest relationships?  Particularly with my husband!  The risk is enormous – we could separate, we could get divorced, it hurts the kids, I might never find someone to love me again, and so on…

But what happens if I don’t?  The stories I tell myself about what he’s “doing to me” get so painful that I want to give up.  And then we’ll separate, divorce, hurt the kids and I might never find someone who will love me again… 

Hmmm…  Sounds familiar…

A friend shared this Eckhart Tolle video clip with me – and it fits well with this conversation and he’s really funny too!  (note – although he starts out talking about unrequited love, he talks a lot about the love relationship)

[flash http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3miuaOWsj8]

The only way to find another way is to move beyond the pain, to step away from the stove, to do things differently, to let go…

 As we came out of the store, I noticed a McDonald’s cup and miscellaneous garbage on the ground.  I had my hands full of stuff, but thought to myself “I’ll just put this stuff in the truck, then come back to pick that up.”

I hadn’t taken one step further when my son bent down, picked it all up and looked up at me, “Mom, where’s a garbage can?”

I smiled to myself and pointed to the garbage can by the door of  the store – and didn’t say anything else at that point.  I didn’t want to praise him – because he didn’t need it!  He was already doing the right thing for the right reasons – and I didn’t want him to start doing that kind of stuff only when someone will notice because he’s looking for the recognition!

As we got into our truck, I simply said “I think the world is a little more beautiful now – what do you think?”  And he  smiled!  (and my heart just melts…)

As I think about this, it’s a little thing that reminds me that the best parenting I do is the example I set. 

I make a point of picking up garbage whenever I see it, whether it’s mine or not.  I think that moment of effort is worth it to help take care of our world – and if we all make a little effort all the time, it makes a BIG difference!

However, I’ve never made my children do the same.  I talk to them about what I do and why, and I expect that they always clean up after themselves but I don’t force them to pick up other garbage.  I’ll suggest, or I’ll do it myself – but I don’t MAKE them do it.

I’m so proud of myself for living my beliefs, even when it’s inconvenient.  And this was a good reminder that my children notice.

Our bodies were made to feel pain for a specific reason – to let us know when we should STOP doing the thing that’s inducing the pain! Seems simple enough, right?

Many times in my life, I’ve stood with my hand on the stove. The element is lit, and the small blue flames spit and dance. As my hand rests above the fire, the flames jump up and wrap around my fingers – engulfing them in hot fire.

The pain is excruciating! And yet, I continue to stand there, with my hand resting on the element. I writhe in agony.

As people pass by, I call out my pain – “It hurts so much! And I don’t know what to do?? Please help me!” Some walk right past, not knowing what to say. My friends try to stop and give advice. “Just take your hand off” they say, as if it’s no big deal. But I can’t understand what they’re saying! Others tell me how stupid I’m being – that I should know how to take my hand off the element, that I’m just being silly!

I cry in pain and frustration, because now not only does it hurt, but now I’m questioning myself – am I really that stupid? They’re right – I should know what to do! So I learn to hold all that pain inside, not wanting to call out anymore because others will see how stupid I am. Yet I can’t figure out how to make the pain stop!

The pain becomes all consuming. Although the small flames only lick around my fingers, I am so obsessed by this pain that I can think of nothing else and it feels like my whole body is engulfed in flame. The pain is overwhelming!

Every once in a while, I’ve momentarily taken my hand off the element, perhaps to scratch my nose. And in that moment, I notice and am grateful for the relief from the pain.

Inevitably, though, I put my hand back on the stove as I lean back again, falling into my familiar position – just because that’s how I’ve always stood. And the pain comes back…

This morning, my dear, trusted friend listened to me talk about my pain and confusion and then gently said “You’re not stupid – don’t you see that your hand is on the stove and the element is lit? Of course it hurts! It’s only natural that it hurts when the flames touch your skin! Come take your hand off the stove now.”

Suddenly I remember how it stopped hurting before when I scratched my nose. I remember the feeling of relief when I removed my hand from the stove for that moment. And the light finally goes on – THIS is what the pain was trying to teach me!

I lift my hand from the stove and it is as if a weight has been lifted. Not only has the pain stopped, but I finally realize that the solution was within me all along! I wasn’t really at the mercy of all those around me who couldn’t seem to help!

First I experienced the pain.
Then I noticed the relief when I removed my hand but didn’t realize why the pain stopped.
When my friend gently pointed out what to her was obvious, I finally recognized what had been the cause of my pain all along.
And finally, I realized that I could create my own salvation.

Experience. Recognize. Create.

It’s pretty easy when we’re talking about physical pain, isn’t it? It seems ridiculously easy to figure out the problem! When something hurts, we can most often figure out what’s causing the pain and make changes that remedy the situation. When you step on a piece of glass, it hurts. We take the glass out and it stops hurting. When you put your hand in fire, it hurts. You take your hand out of the fire and it stops hurting (well, not right away, but you know what I’m getting at…).

But it’s not so easy with emotional pain. It’s not nearly as obvious to see what the cause is, and even harder to stop or change. How often do we struggle with our pain, not knowing why? We’re lonely, our hearts hurt, we feel alone, we feel stupid for not knowing how to make it better.

It’s easy to experience the pain – that part seems to take care of itself quite well, thank you very much!

The trick is how to recognize what’s really causing the pain – and to recognize our own part in creating the pain. Perhaps by our hidden beliefs. Maybe from our old, ingrained habits, since it’s the way it’s always been done. From our assumptions, expectations, reactions and fear.  Or maybe we need help recognizing what the way out of our pain is?

Because we all really want to get to the point of being able to create the life we want!

As I tidied up the rec room today, I came across an old “Ally McBeal” soundtrack & popped it in.  Vonda Shephard has an amazing voice and this song jumped out at me:

[flash http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pv9flrxLsZ8]

I’ve been thinking
I’ve been thinking I’ve been thinking too much
I just want to live now for a little while
And cast my dreams to the wind
Don’t wanna wonder
Don’t wanna wonder what it’s all about
I’m just working for a living singing with my friends
As I cast my dreams to the wind

There’s a message here for me.

I have to think about that…
Or not think about it, as the case may be!