the best parenting we do

Before I became a parent, I promised myself I would do everything in my power to be perfect.

I would never say “later…”

I would never use the TV as a babysitter…

I would never let myself forget that they are my absolute top priority in life…

My twitter friend, Chris Wejr (@mrwejr) recently reflected on the upcoming birth of his twins and wanting to never forget to balance his career with his family.

As a result, I find myself reflecting on my 13 years of parenting. And thinking that maybe I can demystify a bit of Chris’ (and his wife’s) fast approaching parenting experience.

So dear Chris,

Let me kill the suspense for you – there will, indeed, be days when you  have to say “I’m not sure when I’ll be home sweetie. But I love you!” Only to hear silence, or even worse, gulping sobs on the other end of the phone. Guaranteed.

There will be days, particularly in the beginning, when you’ll be ecstatic that you got your teeth brushed before dinner time, or actually managed to have a shower. Let alone make dinner or clean the house.

You will come home one more time, after they’ve fallen asleep in their beds – only to sneak in and silently watch them breathing. Your heart will ache and a tear will trace a path down your cheek. Because you missed story time again – and you promised them you wouldn’t…

You will be torn apart when you have to peel a screaming toddler off of your leg and push him into the daycare, running away quickly to minimize the separation. He will be happily playing with his friends quickly, while you’ll feel like your heart has been ripped from your chest for the rest of the day.

You will yell when all she needed was a hug. You will wish you could suck the words back into your mouth when you see her face fall, realizing too late that she was trying to show you her latest creation, filled with all the pride in her little heart.

And you’ll realize that these moments can facilitate the most important parenting that you’ll ever do.

We love deeply, we care passionately, and we wouldn’t want it any other way. After all, we hope that our children will live their lives out loud, passionate, taking risks, making mistakes, and always striving to be their best.

And we can model how to do that – in living, breathing, imperfectly human ways!

When we make a mistake (and we will), we can show them the strength it takes to recognize that and say we’re sorry.

We can let them see what it looks like to have the persistence it takes to “fall down seven time, get up eight” (Chinese Proverb).

We can let them see our struggle and the constant adjusting it takes to both love our families AND to love our work. Because our highest hope is that they will have the same struggles one day – to have the gift in their lives of loving family and the opportunity to do things that are important to them.

Ultimately, I think there are some fundamental things that our children need to both hear us say and see us do:

1) that we love them no matter what. And that “love” means being dedicated to always leaving them “intact” – the actual actions that show that the person/relationship is always more important than being right, or being on time, or having control.

2) that we have faith in them and their future. That we see their true selves, their best intentions and their strengths/weaknesses. And believe in them, even when they have those not-so-great moments or stages.

3) what it means, in reality, to be kind – not only to others but to ourselves as well. To forgive easily but yet also have high expectations – and to say “what can I do to help?”

4) that caring about the world and trying to do many important things is a worthy struggle.

The other stuff – sleeping through the night, learning to walk, turning off the TV, the piano practice, not jumping on the bed, cleaning up after themselves, remembering to brush their teeth, behaving at Grandma’s house, etc… It will all fall into place, as you move together through all the stages. In fact, those are the times you’ll have to remember to trust in yourself – having faith that you’ll figure out how to handle all that stuff when you get there, even though you have no idea how it will work right now!

The best parenting you’ll ever do will be the stuff you can’t even imagine ahead of time. And it will often be opposite to what you expect. It will surprise you. Which makes it all the more precious – because those are the times when you’ll suddenly realize that you’re blazing your own way instead of following the beaten path.

That’s what your children will remember about you and it’s the stuff that will speak most loudly of your love!