I looked up definitions of trust and these were the ones that fit as I thought about relationships:
* have confidence or faith in
* certainty based on past experience
* the trait of believing in the honesty and reliability of others
And the one that really struck me:
* allow without fear
I’ve recognized a pattern I have of doubting whether people really like me – even when they tell me that they do. I slough off their compliments. I jump to negative conclusions about things they say or do. I convince myself that they must really be angry at me or frustrated with me or think that I’m more trouble than I’m worth. It takes me a little while…
These are very old patterns for me – I’ve been dancing this dance for a long time now. And I used to just keep everyone out. I got really good at figuring out what people wanted and expected of me – and then being that. I’m pretty darned good at detecting when someone’s not necessarily happy (although I was always terrible at accurately knowing why they were upset – I’d just try to do whatever I had to do to make it stop). I put up the facade of “who I am” so that very few ever knew that I wasn’t really feeling happy, confident, successful, smart, together, relaxed, attractive or knowledgeable.
The compliments that people gave me not only surprised me, but truly frightened me. What if I can’t live up to that? What if someone expects something that I can’t deliver? What if they find out I’m a fraud? (some call this one “Imposter Syndrome”)
But what if I ask myself some different questions?
What if I allow myself to trust what people say to me, taking it all at face value? What if I allow – maybe not without fear, but perhaps despite fear?
How would my life be different?
I like you Heidi, no pretenses or doubt required!
When I read, The compliments that people gave me not only surprised me, but truly frightened me. What if I can’t live up to that? What if someone expects something that I can’t deliver? What if they find out I’m a fraud?
I thought of the perils of a gifted kid growing up in our ‘current’ (read: last 50 years) educational system. ‘You are special’. ‘You are different’. ‘You can do better than that’.
It is easy for our inner voices to be negative as even when being complimented, there are expectations that are placed on the compliment.
“You are so nice,” becomes ‘I need to always be nice or they won’t think that anymore’, and “You look good today,” becomes ‘What was wrong with me yesterday?’ or ‘Great, now I’ve got to keep that up for tomorrow.’
Trust not in others but in yourself… that way when the real compliments come, you can see them for what they truly are.
Hi Dave!
You know, I can hear you now…
It used to be harder. I’m starting to “get it” – not just in my head, but in my heart to. To feel it in my body.
Indeed, the key is to trust myself.
To allow uncertainty – trusting that I’ll figure it out, even if I don’t know HOW yet…
And to allow negative feelings and failure – without thinking I have to “fix” myself (as if there’s something wrong with me!)
My dear friend Erika reminds me: Don’t catastrophize things! Allow one bad day just be one bad day – without falling into the fear that “this bad day must mean I’m a bad person” or “I’m a failure.”
Amazing how just “allowing” can change how my whole world feels! It’s the same world, it’s just me that’s different…
Thanks for your comment, my friend! And for your patient support, even when I’m doubting!
Heidi, you and I have never met in person, though it is one of the things on my todo list. This is because you are close to home, have some great postings to twitter, an enjoyable blog to read, and are not a working educator – yet has a powerful understanding of the system and what is needed to improve.
Yes, I do sense negativity in some of your posts. But, I emphasize some and, knowing from others close to me what it can be like to be in your day to day family situation, I clearly understand both the stress that can be there and the need to get it out. As well, I also see the negativity pointed more at yourself and your life, not at the work you are doing to make it better for your children and for the children of others in the community you work within.
So, we may never meet in person, but do clearly understand, that I am a big fan of yours.
Cheers… Bob
Hi Bob!
I have a meetup with you on my todo list as well – so we’ll just have to do it sometime!
It’s funny – not sure what I expected as responses to this post. I just wrote down a few thoughts and hit “post.” But I definitely didn’t expect such wonderful support! Thank you!
I like your comments as well and that I’m in a place to really hear them now – not as criticism, but as honest observations that help me see a perspective I didn’t realize was there. That’s another gift!
Take care and hope to chat soon!