Parenting for failure

Screaming children, kafuffle in the other room. I hear the littlest one crying. And the oldest one screams “Mom! Adam hit Cam!”

Oh for pete’s sake! As I round the corner into the TV room, Adam immediately launches into his defense. “I didn’t mean to!! I was just playing with the yo-yo and Cam walked into my way and it hit him but it wasn’t my fault…”

It struck me in that moment – why am I engaging in this conversation? There is a lack of empathy in this picture that bothers me, as Cam grasps his head and sobs. What do I do that makes Adam feel like he has to defend himself, feeling his “security” threatened enough (in Maslow’s terms) to ignore his hurt brother?

How often do I rush in, responding quickly with “what’s going on here?” or “who did this?” How often have I forced them to make their “case” to me, so that I can assess blame and assign appropriate punishment? Of course, I’ve never looked at it that way – I’ve just been doing my “appropriate” parenting duty, right? Teaching them the “right” way to act. Or so I’ve assumed…

But now, it’s looking differently to me…

The adult as the “investigator” (or as judge/jury) sends some unhelpful messages, doesn’t it? We do, indeed, teach them something, but is it what we WANT to teach our kids?

We teach them to immediately start formulating their case. We teach them to work harder to not get caught next time. Our displeasure with them motivates them to try to deflect blame or claim innocence. And we teach them that making mistakes is about the last thing you want to do, let alone admit to doing…

What I want to teach my children is that failure and mistakes are a necessary part of learning, change and growth. I want to teach my children to value themselves and each other, to care for each other, to admit when they’ve made a mistake and accept themselves as human, so that they can move forward without self judgment or fear.

Hmmm… Mismatch of what I want and what I am doing…

So flash back to that moment – little one crying, middle one justifying, oldest tattling…

I get down on one knee, make loving eye contact and say (in a quiet, calm voice) “Hold on Adam – I’m not blaming you. Let’s have a look at what needs to happen right now. Your brother is crying. What do you think you could do?”

“Oh! Oh yeah!” He stopped and looked at his little brother. Immediately, his whole demeanor changed. He rushed over to Cam, stroked his back, looked in his face and said “I’m so sorry Cam. I didn’t mean to hurt you! Is there anything I can do to help?”

Tears got wiped dry, hugs were exchanged, apologies accepted. The empathy and compassion were all there, once I shifted my attitude, took away the blame and shame, and created a safe space for them to care for one another!

And lightbulbs shine brightly over my head tonight!

What I learned was that I don’t need to “fix” them. I don’t need to “lecture” them. I don’t even need to “teach” them (in that moment).

I need to love them. I need to make sure they are feeling loved and safe. I need to plant seeds, ask questions and model authentic, compassionate behavior. And I need to be aware of the outcomes of my actions (not just my intentions).

After the upset passed, then I took the opportunity for shared learning. I asked them what we could learn from what happened. To recognize that we’re all human beings, that we all make mistakes and that we can all learn together – I didn’t focus on Adam and his actions. I focused on what we could ALL learn. And it took the embarrassment and fear out of failure – by making it a shared experience and discussion.

We talked not only about remembering not to swing things around that could hurt people. We also talked about how to support each other in remembering to act appropriately – in non-judgmental, supportive ways. We talked about making sure to FIRST look after anyone that’s been hurt – to act with care and compassion. And we talked about why we want to learn together instead of blame one person.

Most of all, I took the first step towards a family culture that makes it okay to fail without fear and to learn together with love!