When my daughter was tiny (maybe 2½ or three years old), I started playing a little game with her. I would ask her either “who do you love?” or “who loves you?” And we would list the people in her life – “does Mommy love you?” “does Daddy love you?” “does Grandma love you?” and so on!
My favorite moment was when, one day, she enthusiastically shouted her response with all the joy and honesty of a toddler – “oh Mommy, we love ourselves!”
I didn’t know why at the time, but my heart squeezed and I marveled at how profound that statement was – out of the mouths of babes indeed! In retrospect, that was a defining moment in my life. I realized that I always wanted my children to feel that way! And I had to parent them in a way that helped them hold onto what they already had – a deep and accepting love of themselves, an authenticity that I strived for, a presence that brought joy into every moment in simple little ways.
And I learned over time and through experience that the only way to teach my children to love themselves was to learn to love myself first! What a journey that’s turning out to be!
But it’s not about building high self esteem. To me, that implies that I’m trying to feel good about myself more of the time – that I think I’m beautiful, that I’m good at things, that I don’t put myself down. And, although those things sound positive, that thinking requires judgment. By judging myself “good” at something in this moment, I open the door to feeling that I’m “bad” at something in the next – and then I’m likely to berate myself for not thinking “good thoughts” instead! It’s inevitable that I’ll be successful at times and fail at others. I have strengths and weaknesses. That’s just being human and there’s no problem with that! It’s important for us to constantly assess ourselves and our actions – in order to see where we need to learn and grow. It’s the self judgment that brings with it the pain. Striving for high self esteem just sets me up for moments of despair and low self esteem, simply by its very nature!
Instead, what I want is to love myself – with all of the authenticity, acceptance and faith of a three year old. A toddler doesn’t fall down and berate herself for having failed – “I can’t do it” “I’m so stupid!” “Everyone else can do this, why can’t I?” “What’s the matter with me?” No, she gets back up and tries again – because it’s just a learning opportunity, not a judgment of her human worth!
As children, we all knew this kind of self love when we operated on a strictly feeling level. Toddlers experience life moment by moment because they haven’t yet developed the ability to look forward or back in time. But then we started to think…
We live in a society that values thinking over feeling. We believe the studies, the scholars, the intellectuals. We push our children to go to university. We seldom ask our children how they feel about something – we ask them what they think? Or what they’re going to do? In school, we want them to learn facts and figures, solve problems by thinking of a plan, or research and report on topics like Egypt or penguins. Compare and contrast. Read for information. Add and subtract.
So we think. We worry. We doubt. We fear. We react. Because we remember. I remember the times I failed and everyone laughed. It wasn’t the failure that was the problem – but everyone laughed and I felt humiliated. I remember when Mom yelled because I dropped a glass of juice and it shattered into a million pieces. I didn’t realize that she just had a bad day – I just remember that she was so mad and I felt like it was my fault.
So we fear. We want desperately to think that we’re okay (or even good!) and that we’re lovable and worthy – but worry that maybe we’re not. Maybe we’re not good enough. Maybe we’re failures. And fear puts us in a mindset that finds confirmation in all sorts of places – “Why did she say that? Does she think I’m stupid?”
At a workshop with my school district yesterday, Andy Hargreaves talked about the importance of having a dream – something that drives you and guides you to a bigger purpose in life, so that you avoid getting stuck in details or even in day-to-day enthusiasm without forward motion.
Then at dinner that evening, Andy asked Brian Kuhn and me a question: As parents, what do we want our children to have or to learn? What is our goal for them? So many things went through my mind – I want them to be thoughtful, caring, empathetic, self-sufficient, participating citizens, involved, passionate, happy, loving, curious, continuous learners, persistent, determined, informed, critical thinkers, strong, active, healthy, creative, compassionate of others, conscious of their actions and the implications, etc… My mind raced!
And I looked at my watch and realized I had to go! But Andy turned to me and said “Quick, in two or three sentences, tell me what you want. In that moment, I had to choose – I had to choose one thing that I could say in a couple of sentences. I fumbled for a moment and then realized that what’s absolutely fundamental to me is that I want my children to learn to accept themselves, to know their strengths and weaknesses, to work together to everyone’s best advantage.
I found myself reflecting on that answer in the wee hours of this morning, lying awake in my bed. That was my quick answer in a moment of pressure, but is that really the fundamental thing? Why? That brought me back to that defining moment of mine – a realization that although all of my racing thoughts were true and important, if I have to pick only one thing that my children will have as they move into adulthood and this world, I want them to remember to love and accept themselves the way they did as toddlers with the added thoughtfulness, wisdom and experience that they’ll learn from life.
Which brings me back to my dream…
On the surface, what I want is almost simplistic. It’s certainly highly idealistic. It’s way bigger than anything I can accomplish in my lifetime, and I certainly can’t accomplish it alone!
I have a dream that we’ll live in a world where everyone loves themselves. And more specifically, it will be a world where all children are surrounded by adults who value them and who help them learn about themselves, all the while holding on to the authenticity and love that they already came into this world knowing!
Certainly they will still struggle to find their way – and the struggle is part of learning and growing. But what if we could mentor and guide them? Be there when they ask for help? Model for them from early on?
Here’s what I know:
- When I love myself, it’s easy to love others. And it’s easy to feel loved.
- When I stop judging myself, I can also stop judging others.
- When I love and accept myself, I can accept criticism and be curious. I can be grateful for the feedback, I can ask questions, I can learn.
- When I love and accept myself, I don’t react and I stop perpetuating bad patterns (I said this, he said that, she must have meant this, I’m so stupid…)
- And when I can do all of that, the inevitable human conflicts we experience cease to be a negative or painful thing – they simply become opportunities to learn and grow!
What will our world look like when we all love ourselves?
- No more wars.
- No more divorce.
- No more drug and alcohol abuse, no gangs, no crime.
- No more bullying problems (since we’ll help our children learn from and resolve conflict rather than escalate it).
- No more poverty.
Like I said, I realize this is highly idealistic. Isn’t that the point of a dream?
Think about it…
Mommy, we love ourselves!
Beautiful post and a worthy dream. I wish there were a way to emphasize the importance of this and help it spread. As long as we, as a society, place such strong value on constant pursuit of a warped idea of perfection, it will remain a dream for most. I wish I could help you achieve it, but I can’t even find my own way there. Let me know if you discover any secrets along the way!
Thanks Jen!
I’ll keep writing because this dream really comes from my own journey to try to get there – so maybe you’ll find some nuggets along the way with me.
Or even better – you can point me to the places I’m missing the point! You often keep me thinking…
Hi Heidi. It was great chatting with Andy wasn’t it. Thought-provoking… I’m going to challenge your idea about loving ourselves… I think loving others is a better way. When we are self-less, other focussed, we are at our best and the rest of the results you desire naturally (no other option really) fall into place…
Brian
Hey Brian!
Thanks for your comment and go ahead & challenge, my friend! And I’m going to challenge right back!
I agree that we are at our best when we are self-less (which I would argue is what happens in a state of flow) and other focussed – and we can do that right up to the point where we feel threatened, unsafe, afraid, etc…
I notice this with my daughter (she was certainly sent to teach me the lessons I need to learn!!). She’s an amazingly intuitive and empathetic person UNLESS she’s feeling embarassed, like she’s failed, or if she’s afraid of being criticized or ridiculed. Then she loses the ability to be “self less” and becomes completely overwhelmed by self instead – she’s lost in her own reactions and fear.
And that makes sense to me. We lose the ability to see other people’s perspectives when we lose our sense of personal safety. And when we judge ourselves and fear that we’ll come up lacking, we feel unsafe!
When I don’t love myself, the whole world seems to work against me! I react to what people say, hearing criticism where none was meant. I doubt myself and, not surprisingly, I interpret negative experiences as proof that substantiates my fears – that maybe I’m not good enough…
And often, we look externally to lay fault at those times! Our society encourages more external blaming than internal reflection or taking of responsibility (lawsuits always look for who to blame!). And so, when we feel horrible or inadequate, we find fault in everyone else.
And I think we can all see what comes next? Escalating conflicts, divorce, war, road rage, all sorts of interpersonal, unresolvable conflict…
When I talk about loving ourselves, it’s not about putting self above all others. It’s about self acceptance as whole and worthy and perfectly adequate just as we are – certainly with an eye to continuous improvement, since we’re all human and all have our foibles to work on – but without judgement. That kind of acceptance allows us the foundation and personal safety to consistently open our hearts to others – not just when we’re feeling good about ourselves, but all the time!
Then I can get curious and hear conflicting points of view without getting defensive. Then I can feel compassion for others without blaming. Then I can see their pain or foibles for what they are – their own struggles, not something they’re “doing to me!”
So I challenge your idea that it’s possible to consistently focus on others without learning to accept and love self first. In fact, I suggest that what you call “self-less” is actually what I’m talking about as “loving ourselves.”
Thoughts?
Hi again… I think we’re kind-a overlapping our thinking a bit. I think the self awareness and self acceptance comes as a result of loving others and being other focussed. For instance, if our focus is on others and not ourselves, we won’t feel bad about ourselves which interestingly means we will be more accepting of ourselves, who we are, etc. I’m not saying it’s easy just a kind of cause and effect.
My favourite part of this post:
what’s absolutely fundamental to me is that I want my children to learn to accept themselves, to know their strengths and weaknesses, to work together to everyone’s best advantage.
Simple and yet nothing less than what we want for ALL our children and our students.
A very thoughtful and thought provoking post! It makes me think about Howard Gardner’s work on intrapersonal knowledge and how it connects to self-esteem.
One idea I’ve been exploring lately is that you can’t really feel good about yourself if you don’t know yourself very well. The more knowledge of self one possesses, the stronger the self concept and, hopefully, the higher the self esteem. High intrapersonal knowledge is a key attribute found in a wide variety of people deemed ‘successful’ – from Olympic athletes to famous CEOs, supposedly because these people know what they’re good at (and capitalize on it) and know they’re weaknesses (and compensate for them). The main idea is that by introducing the idea of self concept to students, they will become more successful people.
One last thing. I love the idea of children operating on a ‘strictly feeling level’. I think our society, our evolution, our lives, don’t allow us to listen to our intuition. Life is too noisy to listen to our bodies, to that gut instinct. I’ve only recently started to focus on listening to my body, my spirit, myself, and to let that guide me.
Brian,
Sorry for my delayed response – I wasn’t ignoring you! I’ve just been pondering your comments and trying to figure out how your thinking and my thinking does or does not come together on this.
While I can see your point, there’s something that still bothers me…
My sense is that the disparity might come from a difference in upbringing. I think your approach is difficult to do if you haven’t grown up with support, with being heard and respected, and being valued for your own unique self. There’s simply a foundation missing that you can’t skip over building…
I grew up always feeling I had to be something else in order to be loved by my parents or those around me. What I was simply wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t seen or valued for what I was – only at the times I “performed”. So I learned to excel at school, to win scholarships for music, to quickly determine what people wanted of me, to try to “fix” everything… Yet there was always a hole, something missing, constant self doubt (what if people find out I’m just an imposter? that I’m not really all that I pretend to be?)
As much as I looked externally to give others what they wanted or needed, not until I could look internally and love myself could I finally give from my heart for no reason other than to lift someone else up.
Before that, lifting someone else up was simply a way of trying to win praise or “love”, in order to fill up the hole inside of myself. Well intentioned but, ironically, hard to give selflessly when I was so desperately seeking my self!
And I’m still learning…
Thanks for the conversation! You so often make me think…
It is a wonderful thought actually. But then, in a society dictated by mind over feeling, people were usually see according to accomplishment and not on a value as a person. In a judgmental world, people measure according to what they superficially see, not the person within. It would be difficult to find oneself for a person living in that king of world. Idealistic as it may seem, i wish your dream would some day come true..For every one…in all places on earth!
hello. Your writing is thought provoking. Very timely indeed. I can actually relate and i like this post. I included your site as one of “Amazing sites” i had seen and read.
Keep on writing and take care
Hi Heidi!
and I don’t know what to say. I totally agree with you! It’s beautiful and I really would like to have that family like yours and be that person as you are. I can’t totally accept myself but I know it’s a key to happiness. Maybe someday I will.
I from Poland and I’ve just randomly red your post (not all, but mostly all
Well, sorry for my english and goodluck in life!
I hope your doughter will be like you
What an emotive post! It shoul encourage you to keep taking care of your family, and your daughter.
Good luck!