Life lately has been rather overwhelming!
Lots of it is fantastic! I’m in the process of recrafting my business to better reflect my beliefs and strengths, I’m working on a new business model, I’ve got an idea for a great non-profit that will connect communities and young adults, I’m putting together really exciting grant applications, I’m drafting a book proposal, I’m absolutely loving my role as president of my District’s parent group, I love writing on this blog, I have wonderfully supportive friends, I’m learning to be myself in relationships and my children amaze me every day!
I’ve also been digging deep and stirring up all sorts of personal beliefs, fears, expectations and hidden messages – and deciding how I WANT to be, rather that how I think I SHOULD be. I’m questioning everything and paying attention to every word out of my mouth, every thought that goes through my head and every feeling that comes up.
Why? Because it’s important to me to be completely authentic – so that all of my thoughts, words and actions are completely aligned with my beliefs and values. Truly, that’s when I’m happiest – so that’s where I want to be more of the time!
Here’s the thing – as I question everything, there are things that I’m deciding don’t work for me anymore.
Things like:
- being afraid to speak up (particularly in my closest relationships) because I’m afraid the other person won’t like me anymore;
- feeling like I always have to earn another person’s attention or love or friendship – not believing that I’m worthy of that love just because I am;
- keeping everything to myself and hiding, because I’m afraid that people might find out I’m not really as “great” as the image that I’d project out to the world – believing that I had to be perfect!
- putting on a “happy face” while inside, I was aching;
- reacting, getting defensive or arguing with people because I felt vulnerable.
I hated feeling afraid and inadequate and “invisible” all of the time! I hated looking in the mirror. Every little criticism (no matter how constructive) felt crushing and could send me in a tailspin of negative self-talk and “beating up”!
When my daughter came along (followed by her two brothers), I was determined to parent them in a way that supported their growth and self esteem. Thing was, I found out I had to figure out my own stuff first before I could be the mother that they really needed! Thus my journey began…
So, here I am, ten years later – and really getting down to some nitty-gritty stuff. To use Shrek’s analogy, I’ve been peeling back the layers of my onion – clearing away the easy layers first and now getting down to the really core issues that are left. This is no place for the squeamish…
And it hurts. It hurts to open all of the doors that I’d kept shut, to take down all of the protective walls that I’d put up, to rip off all my bandaids. They were there for a reason – to protect that most vulnerable piece of myself.
Thing is, I’m not complete without that vulnerability. And I may have learned to protect that soft spot because of the pain I felt when it was exposed, but I lost the ability to revel in the joy that could come from there as well! I lived too much of my time in the land of mediocrity because it was “safe” – never feeling great pain but certainly never experiencing great joy either.
So now, I find myself restless and unsettled – like my roots have been pulled up or like I’m thrashing around in deep water and drowning. And really, I suppose that makes sense. After all, I’ve consciously chosen to stop doing things the way I used to do them – and that way may have been destructive or painful in many ways, but it was FAMILIAR!
Now everything feels uncomfortable!
I’m learning to share my thoughts and fears with those around me – and I’m still afraid that my friends will get tired of it, that they’re thinking “oh get over it” or “I don’t have time for this.” I’m afraid that they’ll decide I’m not worth the headache. I’m afraid that in my fear or neediness, I’m the drowning person who latches so tightly onto the lifeguard that I pull them down with me.
There are many days when the voice in my head that criticizes me gets louder, when it’s too easy to hear an often innocent comment as proof that I’m not capable. Those are the days when I doubt myself, when I think perhaps “they” are right and I don’t know what I’m doing or maybe I really am at 100,000 feet and disconnected from reality or maybe I am crazy to think I can change the world. Those are the days when I put my head down on my desk and cry hot tears and feel so incredibly, overwhelmingly alone. Those are the days when I feel like I can’t possibly take one more step.
Often, those are the days when I tell people “oh, I’m just tired and cranky” – but I’m not really. Well, I am tired because I never get enough sleep – but that’s not what gets to me. This is the discomfort of putting myself “out there” in ways that I understand intellectually, I’ve chosen purposefully, I know in my heart is right, but I don’t know how to live it yet.
Dave Truss talks about making change as “surfing the edge of chaos” from the book. It’s frightening, it’s unpredictable, and it’s most definitely uncomfortable!
Oh, I’m getting better everyday at trusting my heart and at recognizing that voice in my head for what it is (just a voice – but not the truth). I’m getting better at grounding myself and refocusing on who I know myself to be – in all my strength and power!
And I’m so grateful to the amazing friends (Dave included!) that reassure me, that listen to my panic and remind me to trust myself and what I’m doing!
What I’ve realized just recently is that this churning stomach and tight chest is just my physical reaction to change. My fear and loneliness are just my emotional reactions to change. And I don’t have to like any of it, but it’s not unexpected. It make perfect sense – and somehow that lets me be more accepting of myself and the process.
It reassures me that these feelings aren’t going to last forever! It’s like being a first time mom – when those long nights when baby wouldn’t sleep felt like they were going to last forever and you just couldn’t take it anymore! But with the second baby, you knew that it would end and that it would feel like such a short time in retrospect – and so you didn’t panic about those first three (or six or twelve) months.
So now, I can just remind myself to be gentle – to sit back and get comfortable on this journey because big change is always uncomfortable.
And sometimes, the only way out is through!
Heidi,
Every time you step up to your own power and acknowledge your inner voice, you give courage to the rest of us. You are not alone.
I shared this note with you privately and at your request I am including it here:
“It takes courage to move to a new place of power because it feels so strange. It was once explained to me this way:
Pete, you have been drinking out of a small cup and now you want to pick up a much bigger one. You have to put the small one down and reach for the larger one. As you are doing that, there are a few moments when neither cup is in your hand. It is in that moment that you feel the most vulnerable, and it is in that moment you need to maintain your courage.”
As always,
pete
This resonates so much with me, Heidi! I find I’m always feeling like having to choose between being authentic and having friends. What level of honesty is appropriate? It seems to make most people very uncomfortable, the intensity is too much (I’m guessing — I never find out why there is suddenly distance between me and people who used to be friends. It’s difficult enough figuring myself out, I’m not going to spend a lot of time figuring out their motives.)
You also make me think about the role of pain. Yes, it HURTS when someone tries to help you change (with criticizm of one form or another usually). But I look back on those most painful moments, and see that changes I really needed to make as a person emerged out of those times. I wouldn’t have gone deep enough to see the need for change if I hadn’t have been hurt in the first place.
Oh, and isn’t change uncomfortable!! So much of that discomfort is rooted in our need to control what is happening, and <> doesn’t allow us to control what is happening.
I admire your courage to be so very transparent, and your strong personal vision. This is my personal quest right now – inspiration and vision for what I want next. Frequently, the path doesn’t lead where you thought it would, but it is so important to start walking down it all the same. YEAH for you!!
Hello Heidi,
I wonder…. if there is a cycle….2 steps forward …one step back. Or perhaps it is like the ebb and flow of the tide. I know exactly what you mean when you talk about the tension between authenticity and wanting to be accepted by others. There are all sorts of tensions in our lives…. including… of wanting to stand up for what we believe in …. and keeping our jobs….
I have to say I vacillate. But there are times when we need to give ourselves a break and not be perched on the edge. The edge of what? The edge of sanity…. or is it insanity? When we challenge ourselves by approaching that edge, of trying to be authentic….in whatever area of life…. our nerves are zing…. we are truly alive…. but it is too stressful to be always living on that edge. We have to give ourselves a break sometimes…. and live in that space of “mediocrity.” I think, however, that our lives go in cycles…. it is impossible to live in the tension all of the time…we are there for a while….and then we settle for a while….and then we find another thing to stretch us…to cause us to try to extend those limits…. it is where growth happens. And change is good. It is exciting and energizing and gives us the opportunity live on the edge… and sparkle….
Best – S.
We are all processes and eventually we get it right or we don’t. Doesn’t matter, but I think it is easier when we are open, honest, and authentic, first with ourselves, then with teh world.
Great post…