The Way I See It #76 – remove your head…

My Starbucks coffee cup sent me a message today – one that I’ve really needed to be reminded of lately. 

And no, it wasn’t the usual “drink me, drink me, you know you want me!!” that it shouts at me when I’ve been trying to cut back on the caffeine in my life…

They have a feature called “The Way I See It“, where they gather quotes from a variety of people – famous and not so famous.

Today, the quote on my cup was:
The irony of commitment is that it’s deeply liberating – in work, in play, in love.  The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation.  To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to life.
Anne Morriss – Starbucks cusomer

Boy, did this one hit home for me!!

I have this story I tell myself – it goes like this: “I don’t know…”

This story comes out when I’m afraid.  But I don’t mean that “holy moley, there’s a really big spider crawling across my foot” kind of scared.  I’m talking about the fear that comes from deeply held, often hidden beliefs. 

We all have them (if you think you don’t, you just haven’t figured them out yet!).

These are the messages we learned when we were too young to question or use logic - we weren’t able to say “hey, wait a minute, that’s not fair!” or “that doesn’t make any sense!”.   So we just absorbed them into our minds as easily as we breathe.

An old fish swims past two young fish and says “hey boys, how’s the water?”
The two young fish continue swimming for a moment, then one turns to the other and says “What’s water?”

That’s what our hidden beliefs are like – we live them, we make decisions, we see what’s possible and what’s not possible, we react to situations or other people.  All based on beliefs that we breathe like air (or water, if you’re fish!)

They are things like:
- It’s not okay for boys to show emotions.
- As parents, we’re supposed to teach our children everything that we know.
- I can’t let people see my imperfections or weaknesses, because they’ll think less of me.
- I have to be able to prove something or else it’s not real (even though my intuition is strong and frighteningly accurate!)
- Everyone has to like me, or else I’m not good enough.

And so on…

That story I tell myself tends to come up for me when I have a conscious belief that conflicts with a hidden belief. 

For example, I truly believe that women can do anything.  I remember being really little – maybe 5 or 6 – and my mom saying to me “you can be anything – you’re smart.”  But then, as I grew up & turned into a cocky teenager, her message changed.  Instead of “you can be anything” – it became “just you wait, you think you’re so smart but you’ll see that when you get married, your needs come last.  First it’s what your children need, then what your husband needs, and if there’s something left over, then it’s what you need.”

So here I am, married with children and consciously believing that I can do anything I want to – that I deserve to get my needs met & to follow my passions.  Yet I also carry this belief that I couldn’t acknowledge for the longest time – that my mom was right and I didn’t deserve to get what I need.  That I had to take care of everyone else first (and face it, with three little kids and a husband, it’s pretty rare that someone doesn’t need something!!).  So, while I get tired and want to insist on taking time for myself – I don’t and I don’t know why.  While I tell myself all those things like “you have to take care of yourself first” or “put your own oxygen mask on first” – I seldom take time for myself. 

Then I would find myself feeling resentful that everyone demanded so much of me!  I would get mad at my husband for not giving me more support.  I would allow him to watch TV or sit back, saying “the kids want you…”  I would get mad at myself for not making sure that my own needs are being met, for not demanding more for myself.

Yet, when I sat and thought about it, why didn’t I stand up for myself?  I don’t know…  Oh, I’m fine.  I should take care of my family – it gives me pleasure.  It’ll be okay…

When I ask myself why I don’t get more assertive & require more of my husband?  I don’t know…  What if I’m being unreasonable?  What if he yells at me?  What if he leaves?  Or even worse, what if he refuses?  If it’s really that big of a deal for me, then I would have to leave.  And why aren’t I worth it?  Would we get divorced?  What impact will that have on the kids?  

That’s all pretty heavy, scary stuff – you’ve got to admit.  Yet, it’s not real – it’s only fear talking.  But it’s easier to say “I don’t know…”

As Pete Reilly pointed out to me recently – you’ve got to stop and listen to your heart because the answer is there, you just have to be willing to hear it.

Ultimately, my fear of “what if?” might be protecting me from the possibility of that bad stuff – but it’s also preventing the possiblity of great stuff!!

So my Starbucks cup reminded me today to stop & listen to my heart!  Stop overthinking everything!  Choose not to walk the path, hand-in-hand with fear.  Believe in yourself!

Wow – that $4 cup of coffee was really worth it today!!