How Old Am I??

I’ve had a few experiences lately where I’ve looked at my kids and thought “I don’t feel grown-up enough to be your parent!”

So, as I tend to do, I’ve been thinking about why I feel that way.

I’m certainly grown up and mature in most ways – I take responsibility, I self-reflect and continuously learn, I work hard, I understand that there are times that I have to sacrifice my own wants and needs for the good of my family, I see the bigger picture, etc…

In these moments, however, I realized that the “I’m not grown-up” feeling was actually more “I feel like a kid”.

Since learning that I needed to honor myself for who I am, I’ve been so happy! It feels so good to be able to be myself!

I figure I’m feeling like a kid because I’m reconnecting with a joy and self knowledge that I haven’t known since I was MUCH younger.

I found this picture of me and my Dad in our orchard – I must be about two years old. When I look at it, I think of the security of being held, the relaxed way I hold onto his neck – completely trusting that I was safe and loved.

Although I can’t remember being that little, I see so much of my youngest son in that picture. He’s just over two and filled with the joy of being absolutely present in every moment. There are no worries, no judgments, no “should-be” and no self-doubt in his world. He stands, completely comfortable being himself – “This is me, take me as I am!”

That is the joy that I am reconnecting to and this sense of being a child again.

What a wonderful and exciting gift!