Fixing the Foundation

I remember visiting a friend’s house and noticing the construction project going on next door.
The entire house was “jacked up” – meaning they were lifting the main floor of the house up so that they could rebuild the foundation.

The owners liked the house they had built, but didn’t like the six foot ceilings in the basement – it was just too low.  Since this house was in an expensive, heritage area of Vancouver, it was worth it to go through this expensive project to lift the actual house, to allow the construction crew to build another eighteen inches onto the foundation – creating much more pleasant 7.5 foot ceilings in their basement rooms.

I’ve been building a beautiful “house” – I’ve consciously planned, created personal visions, decided what’s important, put first things first, prioritized, and carefully selected my guiding principles to live by.  I’ve put extensive thought into how I want to parent, what kind of qualities I want to teach and support in my children and how to support them in their education.

Just recently though, I’ve come to the realization that I’ve got some holes and patched up areas in my “foundation” that I hadn’t noticed before.

I’ve struggled at times to support my daughter, who is very sensitive, thoughtful, emotional, and quick to react (often negatively).  I’ve often thought “how can I help her be more like me?”, thinking that I was much more even tempered, grounded and calm.

Then one day, during a conversation about the struggles I’d been having, my aunt looked at me and said “You know that you’re just like her, don’t you?  When you’re talking about her, you could just as easily be talking about yourself.”

I began to object, then realized that it was true!  (insert flash of lightening, light bulb going on, cosmic tsunami)

The calm, even tempered image of myself is what I had learned I was supposed to be – and it was ingrained so deeply that I truly believed it was who I was!  And that was why I would beat myself up when I didn’t act how I thought I should.  That was why I had this underlying sense of sadness, of failure, of being unlovable as I was – because I hadn’t learned to appreciate myself and who I truly was!

I read a commencement speech recently – which included a story along these lines:
An old fish swims past two young fish and says “Howdy boys – how’s the water?”  The two young fish continue swimming for a moment, then one turns to the other and says “What’s water??!!”

That’s what this belief was like for me – I was living and breathing this assumption about myself everyday, without even realizing it!

So now, I’m working hard at getting to know and value myself as I am (and that allows me to support my daughter in a whole new way!): 

When I notice my gut reactions or instincts about how other people are feeling, I’m learning to trust that – instead of dismissing it or telling myself I’m over-reacting. 

When I find myself struggling to do something according to expectations, I stop and listen to my own voice instead – I know what value I can bring when I do things my way, so I need to stop trying to do things how other people think it needs to be done.

I’m learning to trust my mother-voice.  That’s the one that knows instinctively what my children need, despite other voices that tell me things like I’m spoiling my baby by holding him too much, or that I need to dictate how much they eat.

Everything that I’ve built so far – all the passion and energy of the last twenty years, the life that I’ve built so that I can live each day with integrity, grace and respect is not for naught!  My vision for life in this human world, the parenting that I’m so proud of myself for, my basic respect for all human beings, the authentic voice that I’ve developed – it’s all valid and wonderful and meaningful.

Which is why I’m jacking up the house that I’ve built and I’m taking some time to work on fixing up my own foundation. 

I’m not going to throw up my hands and freak out – I am rolling up my sleeves to work on the issues that need to be worked out.  And it will result in a solid, unshakeable foundation to support the beautiful home that I will continue to build.